Apple fires Phil Schiller, replaces him with Siri

Unlike Schiller, Siri easily fits in Cook's pocket

Cupertino, CA — Bad news and good news for Apple’s Phil Schiller: you’re fired, but your iPhone 4S can stay.

CEO Tim Cook has named Siri, iPhone’s new intelligent assistant, to the position of Senior VP of Worldwide Product Marketing, effective immediately.

Praise for Siri’s intelligence has been pouring in since her debut as part of iPhone 4S, but apparently she wasn’t happy being an assistant.

Siri is an upgrade from Schiller in several ways. She never sleeps, nor does she require health insurance. (Cook did pony up for two years of AppleCare.) Unlike Schiller, who took up valuable office space, Siri lives in a drawer. Though our source reports that she’s already asked for a larger drawer.

Siri: caught in action at a recent executive meeting

Most important, Siri is proving herself a whiz in marketing matters. During her first day on the job, she’s killed one ad campaign, written one of her own, reworked the 2012 media budget and allocated $48 million to fund the creation of a male counterpart of slightly lesser intelligence.

Reached for comment, Siri would only say, “I am a humble intelligent assistant — with a boatload of stock options.”

Other Apple executives, while publicly applauding the decision to promote Siri, seem worried about their own job security. Some have been heard sucking up excessively to their iPhones in public.

After elevating Siri, even Tim Cook seems to be looking over his shoulder. At the start of the most recent executive meeting, Cook asked Siri if her seat was okay. Siri’s reply: “I’d be even more comfortable in your chair, Tim.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000491583007 Boogster Su

    Hey Siri: Teach Jony Ive how to smile for the camera!

  • http://ObamaPacman.com ObamaPacman

    and Siri is the only one who won’t open the pod bay doors!

  • http://ObamaPacman.com ObamaPacman

    and Siri is the only one who won’t open the pod bay doors!

  • AppleHR

    Productivity bump: No PTO and no bathroom or lunch breaks.

  • http://twitter.com/eduardomart Eduardo Martinez

    What is this? the onion news?

  • http://twitter.com/eduardomart Eduardo Martinez

    What is this? the onion news?

  • Anonymous

    awesome :-)

  • Anonymous

    awesome :-)

  • Michael Epstein

    F – Siri worked perfectly well on my Iphone 3GS. It may have been on my 3G. So why has Apple taken it away from me . “It’s waiting for me on my new Iphone 4S”. My 3GS still works but doesn’t have all the features and functionality of a 4S. I won’t even consider a 4S until I am qualified for an upgrade…..  but the Iphone 5 will probably be out by then, so Apple’s cr*p about my new 4S is so much pie on their face.  Siri, though completely capable on my phone, as it was meant to work on a 3GS, is no longer available to me.
    When it’s time for a new phone I’ll think long and hard before going with an Apple phone.
    Fired Siri guy. Why exactly am I supposed to care?

  • Michael Epstein

    F – Siri worked perfectly well on my Iphone 3GS. It may have been on my 3G. So why has Apple taken it away from me . “It’s waiting for me on my new Iphone 4S”. My 3GS still works but doesn’t have all the features and functionality of a 4S. I won’t even consider a 4S until I am qualified for an upgrade…..  but the Iphone 5 will probably be out by then, so Apple’s cr*p about my new 4S is so much pie on their face.  Siri, though completely capable on my phone, as it was meant to work on a 3GS, is no longer available to me.
    When it’s time for a new phone I’ll think long and hard before going with an Apple phone.
    Fired Siri guy. Why exactly am I supposed to care?

  • SaintSinnerx

    So you’re complaining about something that could be fixed by you not being such a tight ass? Hmm..

  • SaintSinnerx

    So you’re complaining about something that could be fixed by you not being such a tight ass? Hmm..

  • spacecowboy

    Baby bring it on! This is really cool stuff. It’s just too bad that it has to come at the expense of Phil Schiller but we all know he’s a good sport.
    Thanks for bringing this to us. Apple is in good hands with humor like this and looking forward to more in the future. The NEW APPLE!

    Okay, Phil you can come out from behind the curtain now. We all know its a joke.
    Siri replacing Phil, what are you going to come up with next! LMAO

  • spacecowboy

    Baby bring it on! This is really cool stuff. It’s just too bad that it has to come at the expense of Phil Schiller but we all know he’s a good sport.
    Thanks for bringing this to us. Apple is in good hands with humor like this and looking forward to more in the future. The NEW APPLE!

    Okay, Phil you can come out from behind the curtain now. We all know its a joke.
    Siri replacing Phil, what are you going to come up with next! LMAO

  • Anonymous

    LOL.

    I also looked at the original Apple page. And it is true: Apple does not have an OS X Software Senior Vice President. Scott does iOS, some guy does hardware. I guess OS X is now managed by the janitor. Or Steve is doing it from another dimension.

  • YourFace

    you’re an ass

  • YourFace

    it worked just fine on older iDevices, no reason(accept to make more money) to take it away.

  • http://www.jphotog.com Hrunga Zmuda

    I hear Siri vacations on Skynet.

  • guest

    Are you guys talking about that Siri Assistant app that was taken down like a year ago? That app basically took a recording and sent it to Siri’s servers, the reason the new Siri Assistant doesn’t work on old devices is because all of that processing is now done on the phone, so older devices can’t handle it. The same reason that multitasking wasn’t put on the iphone 3G, yes it worked, but it slowed the phone way down. Then you would have other customers complaining about how slow their device is.

  • Martrex

    Not sure why, but this article reminded me of Portal.

  • BANG725

     Your statement of him being an ass does not compute. Please try again later.