BULLETIN: Cupertino, CA — Tensions between Apple and Google have erupted into open warfare, with both sides suffering casualties.
Following a sneak attack by Google yesterday, Apple carried out a pre-dawn raid on Google HQ this morning. Handheld-to-handheld combat is reported along California Highway 85, a strategically important supply route.
The crisis began Friday, when Apple COO Tim Cook issued an ultimatum to Google: “Withdraw from iPhone and iPad territory by midnight, April 17th, or face ‘harsh consequences.’”
A hot-headed Larry Page, elevated to Google CEO only weeks ago, responded with an attack on an Apple archiving facility on the outskirts of Cupertino.
Apple immediately hit back with a raid on Google’s Building 41, taking the receptionist prisoner and feasting on the free bagels in the Google cafeteria.
Steve Jobs, going on leave from medical leave, has taken command of the Apple troops. Though he hopes to end the war quickly by hunting down and capturing Page, Apple’s search technologies are not as advanced as Google’s.
From an undisclosed location, Larry Page declared, “Though we are well acquainted with Apple’s brutal techniques, we are not intimidated. Our troops, armed with weapons developed by an unregulated, freedom-loving community, will defeat the closed, proprietary systems of Apple.”
Unfortunately, Page’s vision is not playing well on the battlefield. Hundreds of Google vehicles already litter the road, crippled by inconsistent hardware and software implemented without an approval process.
Meanwhile, news coverage of the Apple-Google war has eclipsed another dramatic conflict that has broken out nearby. Microsoft and RIM are slugging it out over the ownership of a sandbox in a popular playground between Apple and Google.
