Apple iPad mini event: live blog transcript

For those who missed it, here is a transcript of Scoopertino’s live coverage of the Apple event held Tuesday in San Jose.

9:33AM  Hi, Roland Greenfellow here for Scoopertino. I’m in San Jose, where we’re expecting Apple to unveil the new iPad mini. Excitement in the air!

9:41AM  I had to stow away on the bottom shelf of a bagel cart to get in this morning. No idea why Apple is so hung up on this “accredited journalists” thing. Control freaks.

9:48AM  Not your typical Apple venue, downtown at the California Theater. The floor is a little sticky from all the midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

10:01AM  Lights going down. Heeeere’s Timmy!

10:05AM  Typical welcome speech so far: He’s been running the company for a year / Apple’s richer than ever / he’s richer than ever / Apple now controls 68% of the global monetary system / blah, blah, blah.

10:10AM He’s starting with a video. Uh — Spongebob?

10:14AM  Nothing to do with Apple, he just wants to share his favorite episode, so we get what he’s all about.

10:22AM  More updates. iMessage: 300 BILLION messages so far. Apple engineering reports that they’re transmitting 48 million LOL’s per second.

10:23AM  Apple’s Executive Team peeks in on customers iMessages for amusement during meetings. A fun way to learn more about their customers.

10:34AM  Over 10 million customers now enjoying the new “Porn in the Cloud” feature. You can start watching Breast Side Story on your Apple TV, then pick up on your iPhone right where you left off — without missing a (content redacted).

10:49AM  Now iBooks. Over 1.5 million now available. Not just bestsellers, but esoteric, inspirational stories as well. Steve Ballmer biography now up to 13 copies.

10:51AM Phil Schiller struts in. With a hair dryer?

10:51AM Phil: “First I want to talk about me. I think I’ve been doing pretty well over the last year. What do you think?” Polite applause.

10:56AM  New product time! First up: Macbook Pro. Cool! 13-incher with Retina display! 4,096,000 pixels.

10:58AM  SPECIAL OFFER. First-day orders get 10 extra pixels free.

11:01AM  Radical placement of speakers. Left and right speakers are switched. Schiller calls it “stereo on steroids.”

11:07AM  iPad time. Mini? Nope — it’s a 4th generation iPad.

11:08AM  No more “new iPad.”  This one is called “the new, new iPad.” Schiller says development now underway for “new, new, new iPad” in another six months.

11:13AM  Retina models have whole new battery system co-developed with Eveready. Based on D-battery technology.

11:15AM  Okay. NOW it’s time. Tim’s going to unveil the iPad mini.

11:16AM  Wait a minute. It’s not called the mini after all. It’s iPad mini-me! The crowd’s going wild!

11:18AM  OH NO! Now the real mini-me joins Tim on stage. Standing O from the audience!

11:24AM  Whew. The pandemonium subsides. Tim explains that Apple has a new austerity program in place — no more big-name acts to close the shows anymore.

11:26AM  Wow, didn’t know Tim played the accordion. To celebrate iPad mini-me, he’s doing a cover of Touch Me by The Doors.

11:27AM  He’s playing his heart out, but the crowd is leaving quickly.

11:28AM  Fantastic event as always. Thanks for joining me today. Hope you can all join me for the new, new, new iPad launch next summer.

Roland

  • Alejandro Angulo

    Ha ha ha ha -New, new, new iPad !!!!!

  • denbo68

    What? He played a real accordion? But there’s an app for that! https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/accordion-for-ipad-hd/id406381705?mt=8

  • AppleDude

    LOL

  • Jo

    Next summer will be the new, new, new, new, new, iPad. I think you meant the new, new, new, iPad mini, which will slam the tablet market in spring time.

    Is there in english a word like “riding a dead man’s ideas until the next dead man?” tie to get in crisis, otherwise Steve has no point to reincarnate.

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  • Me

    Dang it – I was betting they would rebrand the iPod Touch as the iPad Micro and then the iPod Nano would be iPad Nano.

  • UMAIR

    if anyone was wondering, she’s porn star Sunny Leone in the picture.

  • kk

    One of your best articles ever. Couldn’t stop laughing…

    And those High-Power-Batteries… Really fun stuff.

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    10 extra pixels? does this mean an iPod touch with cornea display?

  • Jason Gentile

    It’ll be the greatest thing to happen to iPad since iPad, iPad New, and iPad New New New New

  • Siddhant The Gay

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