For those who missed it, here is a transcript of Scoopertino’s live coverage of the Apple event held Tuesday in San Jose.
9:33AM Hi, Roland Greenfellow here for Scoopertino. I’m in San Jose, where we’re expecting Apple to unveil the new iPad mini. Excitement in the air!
9:41AM I had to stow away on the bottom shelf of a bagel cart to get in this morning. No idea why Apple is so hung up on this “accredited journalists” thing. Control freaks.
9:48AM Not your typical Apple venue, downtown at the California Theater. The floor is a little sticky from all the midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show.
10:01AM Lights going down. Heeeere’s Timmy!
10:05AM Typical welcome speech so far: He’s been running the company for a year / Apple’s richer than ever / he’s richer than ever / Apple now controls 68% of the global monetary system / blah, blah, blah.
10:10AM He’s starting with a video. Uh — Spongebob?
10:14AM Nothing to do with Apple, he just wants to share his favorite episode, so we get what he’s all about.
10:22AM More updates. iMessage: 300 BILLION messages so far. Apple engineering reports that they’re transmitting 48 million LOL’s per second.
10:23AM Apple’s Executive Team peeks in on customers iMessages for amusement during meetings. A fun way to learn more about their customers.
10:34AM Over 10 million customers now enjoying the new “Porn in the Cloud” feature. You can start watching Breast Side Story on your Apple TV, then pick up on your iPhone right where you left off — without missing a (content redacted).
10:49AM Now iBooks. Over 1.5 million now available. Not just bestsellers, but esoteric, inspirational stories as well. Steve Ballmer biography now up to 13 copies.
10:51AM Phil Schiller struts in. With a hair dryer?
10:51AM Phil: “First I want to talk about me. I think I’ve been doing pretty well over the last year. What do you think?” Polite applause.
10:56AM New product time! First up: Macbook Pro. Cool! 13-incher with Retina display! 4,096,000 pixels.
10:58AM SPECIAL OFFER. First-day orders get 10 extra pixels free.
11:01AM Radical placement of speakers. Left and right speakers are switched. Schiller calls it “stereo on steroids.”
11:07AM iPad time. Mini? Nope — it’s a 4th generation iPad.
11:08AM No more “new iPad.” This one is called “the new, new iPad.” Schiller says development now underway for “new, new, new iPad” in another six months.
11:13AM Retina models have whole new battery system co-developed with Eveready. Based on D-battery technology.
11:15AM Okay. NOW it’s time. Tim’s going to unveil the iPad mini.
11:16AM Wait a minute. It’s not called the mini after all. It’s iPad mini-me! The crowd’s going wild!
11:18AM OH NO! Now the real mini-me joins Tim on stage. Standing O from the audience!
11:24AM Whew. The pandemonium subsides. Tim explains that Apple has a new austerity program in place — no more big-name acts to close the shows anymore.
11:26AM Wow, didn’t know Tim played the accordion. To celebrate iPad mini-me, he’s doing a cover of Touch Me by The Doors.
11:27AM He’s playing his heart out, but the crowd is leaving quickly.
11:28AM Fantastic event as always. Thanks for joining me today. Hope you can all join me for the new, new, new iPad launch next summer.