North Pole, Arctic Circle — The smiles of millions of children around the world hang in the balance today, as Apple and Claus Corp. play a high-stakes game of chicken.
Turned off by Tim Cook’s harsh tactics, Santa walked out of yesterday’s negotiating session. Red-faced, he threatened to deliver Android phones and tablets to those who wished for Apple products this year.
“Santa is a milk-and-cookies kind of guy,” said a source close to the jolly one. “He doesn’t take well to hard-nosed guys like Tim.”
The last straw for Santa was Cook’s insistence that Claus Corp. pay full retail price for all iPresents this year. Santa is used to getting a steep discount for his bulk order, and isn’t going to give in to Apple just because they had an agreement last year.
“This is bullshit,” said Santa. “I can get Android phones at a 30% discount, plus they’ve got bigger screens and Flash.”
Analysts say Santa’s gambit has the potential to bite him in his ample butt. If he goes the Android route, he could well face a morning-after firestorm of criticism when those devices perform as they normally do. In the current economic climate, the last thing Claus Corp. needs is a PR meltdown.
If Cook sticks to his hard line, Santa does have one option. Lawyers are still wrestling with details, but it may be possible to designate the Elf Workshop as an Accredited Educational Institution, thus getting a 15% discount on certain items.
“It’s not ideal, but that could get us past the 2011 holiday,” said an elf who requested anonymity. “And we won’t be hurtin’ here. Don’t tell Santa, but we kept a stash of iPhones and iPads for ourselves back in the reindeer shed.”
Scoopertino wishes everyone a happy holiday, even if you do find an Android phone under your tree. We’re going to close the presses down for the holiday now. We’ll recycle a couple of stories from the archives for the next two weeks, just to keep the place warm, and meet you back here in 2012!