By Miyoko Yamada | January 3, 2011

Steve Jobs’ New Year’s resolutions found on Starbucks napkin

Palo Alto, CA — Uh-oh. Another piece of top-secret Apple material has been left behind in a public place. Only this time the culprit is Steve Jobs himself.

A napkin bearing Steve’s hand-scrawled New Year’s resolutions was picked up by an astute patron in a Palo Alto Starbucks after the Apple CEO rushed out to take a call.

After a brief bidding war with Gizmodo, Scoopertino has taken possession of the napkin and proudly presents this teardown:

The napkin is standard-issue Starbucks beige. Written in what appears to be a thin Sharpie, black, are ten numbered resolutions. It cannot be determined if they are in ascending or descending order of importance. Three mug stains appear to be random.

Some of Steve’s resolutions are shocking and/or surprising, while others suggest a playful CEO who enjoys pranking the likes of Mark Zuckerberg — and fleeing the likes of Steve Wozniak.

Resolution #1 — Keep the Verizon myth going — will likely rock Wall Street today. Resolution #5 — Reject more apps, just for fun — shows a CEO who delights in his work. Resolution #9 may have even the most fervent Apple fans questioning their faith — Upgrade to iPhone 4 when antenna gets fixed.

Apple’s PR department declined to respond, saying they do not comment on unreleased resolutions.

Tags: , , ,

Newer Comments →
  • Acid Reflux

    I read this, then I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  • Guest Poster

    Well done; very clever!

  • Rojimbo

    This is so obviously fake!!

    1. There isn’t no Starbucks logo on the napkin.
    2. There is 4 mug stains, not 3.
    3. Steve alredy knows about iPhone 5. Why would he “upgrade” to verson 4???
    4. I alredy have a iPad with verizon – its not a myth.

    Stop trying to bad-mouth Apple so much you losers!!!

  • Anonymous

    If the iPad 2 has a rear-facing camera, will that show Schiller’s backside when he does the nude FaceTime? And shouldn’t it be called AssTime?

  • Me

    There is a #11: Don’t sell Acid Reflux any more Apple Products, if he writes such a stupid comment again.

  • Anonymous

    Steve’s right about this item, at least, not being funny, though capital punishment seems to be a bit of an extreme reaction. Resolutions 2 and three were grin worthy, the rest were old or predictable.
    But Acid Reflux, you seem to be all too well named. Lighten up – this site is intended to be humorous. Your curmudgeonly posts here are the sort of thing that give Apple lovers a bad name.

  • http://twitter.com/Matthias_21 Matthias Köhler

    This comment and it’s author are SO stupid in SO many ways -.-

  • Zantac

    Seriously, Acid Reflux… The tagline to the website is UNREAL APPLE NEWS. Don’t be stupid.

  • Zantac

    Oh and since you’re on a kick correcting everything…”there isn’t no…” is a double negative. It should say, “there isn’t any…” , your #2 should say “there are…” not is. The word “already” has an ‘a’ in it and the word “version” has an ‘i’. Next time you try to be a smart ass, don’t be such a dumb ass.

  • Ashirazi1994

    Wow your the stupid one here, this is a PARODY WEBSITE. its meant to be fake its a joke! stop being such an idiot

  • Ashirazi1994

    THis is a parody website you idiot. Its not suppossed to be true its a joke! get a brain you fucking idiot

  • http://odayyousif.wordpress.com Oday Yousif

    Yes Disqus, and BTW I like this napkin. An for you haters this is a parody website.

    Look at the title. It says Unreal Apple News.

    SOme people can be complete idiots.

  • http://twitter.com/luisdeaguiar Luís AguiarFernandes

    OMG.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AV2PWOSFH2DP7YOXBFKYTHYIA4 Ricardo Ferreira

    No, really, I’m positive it’s you. Of course it is a fake, but Rojimbo’s is taking it seriously, that’s why it is stupid, and so are you. Matthias is replying to Rojimbo, dumbass.

  • Pingback: Oh Look, Steve Jobs’ New Years Resolutions On A Napkin! | Gizmodo Australia

  • bebopblues

    What font is that?

  • Pingback: Oh Look, It’s Steve Jobs’ New Years Resolutions on a Napkin [Humor] | Gadgets Geekly

  • Pingback: 2011: Steve Jobs Neujahrsvorsätze

  • Pingback: Steve Jobs’ New Year’s resolutions found on Starbucks napkin [Humor] | APPLIPHILIA

  • Pingback: Humour : Les bonnes résolutions 2011 de Steve Jobs | Blogchoc.com – toute l'actualité croustillante du web

  • http://twitter.com/tsancio Tomas Sancio

    Rojimbo is getting the last laugh. Just like Inception in which you have a dream within a dream, you can have a prank within a prank.

  • Hotcarl

    Reading all these comments, I can’t help but hear the condescending, fat, middle aged comic book salesmen from the simpsons. Lighten up and stop playing world of Warcraft in your mothers basemet.

    Oh and rojimbo, are you serious?!?!?

  • Lol

    LOL

  • http://twitter.com/eltiare Jeremy Nicoll

    Haha! It’s totally a font. Good catch.

  • Acid Reflux

    ur mom gave an apple lover a bad name

  • Asdf

    A stupid South Korean press took this joke seriously and wrote a damn serious article about Steve’s so-called “resolutions.” It even reported that Apple’s PR department said no comment. LOL http://j.mp/gdZfE6

  • Cjkykb

    ;yeah…I know…
    it’s fucking embarrasing ….

    (I’m South Korean)

  • http://jacobian.biz/ jacobian

    really funny.but too bad it was untrue.

  • Matthew

    U 2 korean so dumn asss.. nobody cares of that…

  • Mat

    U 2 korean sooo dumn asss.. nobody cares of that.. jerks..

  • listencalmy

    does this post author intended to grab some eyeball by doing this?

    cheeky but not appreciated.. or are they paid by microsoft team?

  • Stevish

    I liked it! It’s fantastic! The one about Mossberg was a bit mean, but I don’t like the guy (and that woman with him in All Things D conference, I usually watch Steve and ignore them). He is full of the I-am-thy-technology-god thing, even more than Steve Jobs. The part about Schiller is fun too, especially that Phil comes up in every presentation as the showcase. I feel pretty bad for him. When Steve speaks about (his) family, he uses the false name: Mary Jobs, but whenever he speaks about anyone else, he grabs Schiller to keep the audience entertained.

    The best one was “Trademark ‘Steve’ — sue Ballmer’s ass”! It is a pure delight!

    Those who write this site are big fans of Apple. They know it by heart.

    Keep this cheerful site going on!

    And the rest, please, do not give Apple fans a bad name! Come on!

  • Jimbobpro87

    its a joke u ass clown

  • Eeuu7776

    South Koreans News are stupid. I know.. but.. just the news is STUPID NOT ALL..

  • Eeuu7776

    South Koreans News are stupid. I know.. but.. just the news is STUPID NOT ALL..

  • Eeuu7776

    me too lol

  • Eeuu7776

    me too lol

  • Info

    fucking Korean press

  • Dr. Luca

    yeah, and you work as a watchman in the real apple headquaters !!!

  • rpplano

    You are the proof in the pudding.

  • Moses

    like south park said in that episode about inception: “it’s a dream that’s within a dream that’s within a dream that’s within a dream!!!! you see?! it’s all so cool and complex”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Durga-M-Sengupta/100000480762212 Durga M Sengupta

    and you’re on this website because..?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1205592329 Billy Chin

    #1 is not a myth anymore

  • Gigel

    You can’t be that stupid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alf.holm1 Alf Holm

    developers,developers,developers

  • Anon

    Trollin’

  • Samsamsimpson02

    Ur a huge div!

  • Skel

    Apple “lovers” being Apple lovers give Apple lovers a bad name. Perhaps you don’t understand the subtle point to all of this humor?

  • http://twitter.com/akfg_fan Ramon

    Yeah, I’d trade make my name too.

  • Cody94

    1. There isn’t A Starbucks logo on the napkin.
    2. There ARE 4 mug stains, not 3.
    3. Steve ALREADY knows about Iphone 5. Why would he upgrade to VERSION 4?
    4. I ALREADY have AN iPad with verizon – IT’S not a myth.

    5. YOU are the loser. This is not a serious website. Learn how to spell, and do not start an argument like this unless you know how to speak English.

Newer Comments →