Tim Cook pins Apple woes on North Korea

Kim Jong-un demonstrates the first North Korea-made app, called “Launch Break”

Cupertino — Take heart, Jennifer Lawrence. It wasn’t Apple’s lax security that spilled your nude photos onto the internet. It was those pesky North Koreans.

Apple CEO Tim Cook broke the startling news this morning during a closed-door meeting with a group of analysts at Apple headquarters.

On conditions of anonymity, our source quoted Cook as saying that Kim Jong-un ordered the attacks on iCloud as the result of a grudge he’s held against Apple since Steve Jobs turned down his father’s request for a pre-release iPod back in 2010.

Since he took over as Apple CEO, Cook has received a series of escalating requests from the Supreme Leader. First Kim asked for a MacBook Air with Retina display (“We know you have them in the lab”), and then he asked that the Apple Watch be re-christened as “iJong.”

It was when Cook denied the MacBook Air request that the Guardians of Peace issued its statement: “Apple acts like mad rhinoceros in tropical jungle, greedily keeping toys to itself like a spoiled child in a hide-and-seek endeavor.”

In what now appears prophetic, the communique ended with the warning: “J-Law will pay for this.”

Cook says the iCloud security lapse is only the most recent act of aggression by North Korea. The renegade country has been responsible for the general crappy-ness of iCloud, the Apple Maps fiasco, the premature release of iOS 8.01, and the birth of Scott Forstall.

But help is on its way. In response to the GoP, an aggressive new group has formed independent of Apple. Calling itself the Guardians of Tim, this group is promising a series of retaliatory strikes, including a major leafleting campaign for Apple products inside the secretive state.

Behind the scenes at Apple, work goes on. With a major upgrade to iCloud planned for early 2015, the project team has been split into two. One is focused on the technology, while the other is tasked with finding ways to blame North Korea when it doesn’t work.