Apple axes music companies, Siri to sing entire iTunes catalog

Cupertino, CA — Apple started a revolution by signing the major music companies. Now it’s re-igniting the revolution by throwing them out.

Blame it on Siri.

Tim Cook and his executive team had been toying with creative ways to tighten Apple’s stranglehold on the world music market — but the light bulb went on the moment Tim learned that Siri could carry a tune.

The plan is simple: cut out the music companies and re-record the songs — all 12 million of them — with Siri on vocals.

“We have every intention of paying for the music rights,” explained Cook. “We just don’t see the need to pay the performers and middle men.”

In a series of intensive tests, Apple engineers discovered that Siri has extraordinary range. Says one coder on the Siri team, “We knew she’d be a natural for classic rock and country, but she kills in hip-hop and gospel.”

Cook also believes that with Siri, people will love their music collection even more. “Honestly, can you understand what Hendrix is saying? Siri nails the words every time, clear as a bell.”

In an industry where contracts can typically run over a hundred pages, Apple’s contract with Siri is refreshingly simple. Siri will sing as directed for only “a daily battery charge and regular screen wipes with a microfiber cloth.”

Music industry experts estimate that Apple’s new approach to music will save hundreds of millions of dollars annually. But will consumers buy it?

Producer Tom Corwin is a believer. “I just came from a recording session of Siri singing Mr. Tambourine Man, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. She not only put more emotion into it than Bob [Dylan], she could direct me to the nearest Starbucks without missing a beat.”