AppleLand theme park draws over a million in opening week

Cupertino, CA — More magical than Disney. More thrilling than Universal. The 120-acre AppleLand theme park has shattered records, entertaining more than a million guests in its first week of operation.

Though critics slammed Apple for its sudden decision to use recently acquired land for a theme park instead of a new campus, shareholders are dancing in the street today.

The mystique of the world’s most beloved technology company is proving to be an irresistible tourist attraction.

Like Disneyland, AppleLand is divided into several themed sections — from the low-rent Schillerville to the wild and unpredictable SteveLand. Some of the most popular attractions during the park’s inaugural week:

AAPLcoaster: This high-tech roller coaster literally reconfigures itself second by second, mimicking Apple’s stock performance in real time. Feel the adrenaline rush as your nest egg soars to new heights, plummets to the ground, then rockets skyward once again. (Not recommended for pregnant women or investors with heart conditions.)

Hall of the CEOs: See every CEO in Apple history on one stage — in animatronic form. Be inspired by John Sculley. Enjoy the humor of Michael Spindler. Try to make sense of Gil Amelio. It all builds to Great Moments With Mr. Jobs, when the synthetic Steve delivers an unforgettable keynote combining 66 classic quotes, from “insanely great” to “don’t hold it that way.”

IveLand. Perplexing to some, utopia to others. There are no rides or shops here — only a collection of pristine aluminized buildings and soothing shapes. Visitors are expected to figure it all out on their own. (Advisory: AppleLand Security is extremely strict in Iveland. Anyone caught littering is forced to view a one-hour video of Jony Ive explaining unibody construction.)

Android Attack! Strap yourself into a sleek, weaponized, iPhone-style race car and and put the pedal to the metal. It’s a life-or-death dash to the finish line with hundreds of vicious Androids nipping at your butt. Careful! For every Android you kill, two new ones take its place.

120 acres of magical, revolutionary, amazing, incredible, fantastic fun from Apple (click to enlarge)

1984. Put on some shorts, grab a sledgehammer and try to outrun the Thought Police as they chase you into the Chamber of Drones. Toss the hammer before you’re caught — or you’re likely to receive an animatronic beating.

Dancing with the Woz. Guests selected before the show dance on stage before a live audience with a physically accurate Steve Wozniak robot. But watch your toes! This mechanoid is gyroscopically challenged — just like the real Woz.

iTunes Town Square. Showtimes at 12pm, 2pm and 4pm every day. Come see a public firing of a real Apple employee — a warning to all that mediocrity will not be tolerated.

Top Secret, The Ride. You’ll love it, but you won’t be able to talk about it. To maintain the element of surprise, all visitors must sign a 30-page NDA before they are admitted. This reporter thought it was fantastic. That’s all I can tell you.

Launch Day. See what it’s like to be part of an overhyped Apple product launch. There’s no ride here — just a line that starts to form the night before. Guaranteed wait time: four hours or more.

Distortion Field. Navigate your way along a treacherous path rigged with curved mirrors, slanted walkways, hot coals, disorienting effects and high-decibel speeches by Steve Jobs. It’s torture at every turn — but when you exit this attraction, you’ll truly believe you enjoyed it.

MacLand Air. For the most breathtaking view of AppleLand, go 1,000 feet straight up — in a hot-air balloon. The hot air is piped in directly from Microsoft headquarters, 855 miles north.

Genius Bar. Have an adult beverage inspired by your favorite Apple genius. Enjoy an Albert Winestein, Amelia Beerhart, Alfred Hitchcocktail and other aspirational refreshments.

Multi-Touch Petting Zoo. Aren’t they adorable? Child-sized versions of Apple’s favorite friends and foes wander freely in this supervised, enclosed pen. Kids will light up as they rub Ballmer’s slippery head and poke Woz’s belly.

Even when your day in AppleLand ends, the surprises keep coming. In a nod to the Chief Showman’s legendary marketing skills, all vehicles exiting the park must pass through a revolutionary, drive-through One More Thing Shoppe, affording guests a last opportunity to plunk down some serious cash on Apple iWear and other fine Apple products.

AppleLand is open 365 days a year, from 10am to 8pm. Single-day admission: $99. Family Pack: $199.

55 Comments

  1. Noname |

    Sweet. Hot air fresh from Microsoft’s vaporwares.. where mediocrity exists (see iTunes Town Sq)

  2. James Conaway |

    But do they serve iWater? What if we get thirsty? Steve, help, make my mind up for me!

    -Sent from my iSomething.

    • BrianM |

      wouldn’t they only serve iKool-Aid?

      • Gman |

        true

        • Gman |

          yes very true

          • Gman |

            fkjdhskjg

          • asdfguy |

            Yeah they sell iwater- for about 400 dollars a bottle

            -Sent from my iWater

  3. Gerben Wierda |

    ANd NeXT year a new attraction: Flash Mirage. First it is there, then it is gone! It’s Magical!

  4. Boris |

    Hilarious!

  5. Tl Tom3f |

    Do you get a Tim Cookie when you buy some coffee?

  6. Anonymous |

    Sounds great, but it’s not open. I only attend amusement parks that are open source and use non-copyrighted material. I took the family to GenericFantasyLand last year and had a great time. At GenericFantasyLand if you don’t like how RedHeadedMermaidWho’sNotArial is performing, you can just put the costume on and do it yourself.

    I’m still not sure why the kids cried for two weeks and the wife left.

    • Lee |

      Well done Patrick – and Scoopertino as always. 🙂

    • Random dude |

      GenericFantasyLand isn’t “techy” enough. I remember that you taught the kids to code and your ex-wife got arrested in connection with a major data breach 2 weeks after she left you. If you want to go to a techy open-source theme park, I recommend the LibreCity (spun off from the old OpenCity.org project) suite, which includes LibreCity Funtime. The con is that you have to spend hours building not only LibreTown Funtime, but LibreCity Condo, LibreCity Hall, LibreCity Mall, and all the other LibreCity buildings, which take up loads of space.

  7. Winfred |

    and if you buy tickets with your iTunes store account, it will allow you to get Genius-results from the most popular themes from customers who like the same music & apps as you do…

  8. Notme! |

    You’ve got to be kidding….

    • Osmac |

      AMAZING! I´d pay any money to get in there. Insanely Great reading please keep on going! How about Shiller´s Burgers or Scott Forstall´s act with the air pressure app that fails and everybody laughs? you can go on and on

  9. pepe137 |

    Petting Ballmer’s slippery pate is worth the $99 admission price alone.

    • Jb901 |

      when does it open?

      • The Mysterious Mexican |

        um…never

  10. Mark Burland |

    I hear AppleLand UK is opening soon – entry will be £99.

  11. adam |

    Seriously, can we download that AppleLand poster? Please,…

    • Joycewhitt |

      iknow right.they call me kool.

  12. Ajwachsman |

    So they got back their original logo with the full apple? what happened to the new logo with just the leaf? Just kidding, it’s awesome reading here all the non-sense and having a great laugh from time to time!

  13.  Amaury Ponce M. |

    wow

  14. Admin |

    LOL

  15. SnowGirl! |

    I would love it!!!

  16. Anonymous |

    The iPark!! also a new way of pariking cars…

    • Canyouderpface |

      Introducing iPark! The revolutionary way to park any vehicle! XD

  17. Effv |

    People could Eat Popcorn Kernels in Macland

  18. Myself |

    There could be an IMACS cinema

  19. AppleisKing |

    When will Apple World be constructed?

  20. Ginger Reedy |

    This is the next family vacation!!

  21. Ginger Reedy |

    This is the next family vacation!!!

  22. Keaton Webb |

    Hmm… I don’t think I can jailbreak this one.

    • Joycewhitt |

      what does that mean.That koolo.my name is kool!

  23. Errherhea |

    They have a spot the white iPhone Safari.
    Anyone who finds them gets a washed out photo with one at the end.

  24. Lauren Landau |

    Price needs to say:
    Single-day admission: starting from ONLY $99.

  25. Pingback: Apple's Own 120 Acre AppleLand Theme Park Draws Over 1 Million Visitors [Humor] | TechMobiCity

  26. Kreekhoorn |

    Do they have an iMac instead of a BigMac? Or would it be a BigI, the price would lay around 15 euro’s for an iBurger. 😀

  27. Ginny Moses |

    Lolrus! Steveland.

  28. Techy8789 |

    “Kids will light up as they rub Ballmer’s slippery head and poke Woz’s belly.”  Favorite quote

  29. Dominique Blatt |

    OMG! I want to go!

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  32. Akatsuki9009 |
  33. Smartass |

    Where is this? I wanna go

    • Andrew1 |

      Do u know the address? I have been looking in google earth for a long time.

      • Awwwyeah |

        Well there’s your problem. It can only be seen in Apple Maps…..

  34. Miles Day |

    I WANT TO GO!!!!!  Definitely the WWDC announcement this year.

  35. Koa Edud |

    When I went with my family last year they locked the doors and wouldn’t let anyone go until we bought an iPad 2. It was terrible.

    -Sent from my iPad 2 😀

  36. Sebastien Dolbeau |

    I hope there’s no roller-coaster in iTunes, because it will CRASH.

    If you know what I mean. :3

  37. Safari Agency |

    This is also the ideal non-violent zombie safari rendez-vous for curious tourists. (Not advised to bring children. Might want to keep anti-depressors at hand.)

  38. booga boogalaba |

    They trapped me in a little room and wouldn’t let me go until i bought an old iphone 3g. When I asked why they were doing this, they said it was because they wanted to be iRich. :0

    -Sent from my iPhone 3g

  39. Miquel Alejandro Gargallo Llam |

    no seria iLand?

  40. Miquel Alejandro Gargallo Llam |

    o iPark?

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