Jony bails, and Scoopertino knows why

Cupertino — First came frustration. Then mind-numbing boredom. And finally, excruciating torture.

According to the legendary recently-resigned Chief of Design, 27 years inside Apple was a “living hell.” Ive spills his guts about the dark inner workings of his former company in a soon-to-be-published Forbes interview obtained by Scoopertino.

“Every company has ups and downs,” says Ive, “Apple is just downs and downs.” His grievances started with the first iMac, which pulled Apple back from the brink of bankruptcy—and pushed him to the brink of quitting.

“I was passionate about the iMac shell being 23.5% transparent, but Steve emasculated me by demanding 24.1%. Can you imagine?” fumed Ive.

From that point, things continued to go south.

“One of our cafeteria light bulbs had gone a bit reddish, at 2500 Kelvin, instead of cool white, which everyone knows is 3120 Kelvin. I asked a thousand times to get that fixed,” said Ive in disgust.

Also sticking in Ive’s craw were the videos he recorded for most product unveilings.

“I was sick to death of the format—me on a white background. Tim rejected all my creative ideas. Me on horseback, me in a shark cage, me on Everest, and so on. The man has the creative instincts of a housefly.”

Some of his issues were simple matters of respect.

“I kept asking Steve’s assistant for an aisle seat at the product launches. Never happened. I was perpetually stuck in a middle seat, fighting Phil Schiller for the armrest.”

“It gets worse. With the hundreds of people I met daily, not a single one ever addressed me as Sir Jony. Commoners are so fucking petty.”

Apple’s Executive Committee didn’t make things any easier for Ive.

“After Steve passed away, I made a simple request of the Committee to build a Throne Room for me. They acted like my $500 million net worth was compensation enough. Such small thinkers.”

It got to the point where Ive looked for ways to strike back.

“My best bit of revenge was the cylindrical Mac Pro. Such a doomed design. It was like planting a time bomb!”

Once his exit is complete, Tim Cook promises that Apple will continue working with Jony at his new venture, LoveFrom.

“After being the bane of my existence, Tim will be the gift that keeps on giving. Honestly, I almost named my company CashFrom, because I’ll be milking this cow for years to come.”


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