Apple relaunches Project Titan as Project Titanic

CUPERTINO, CA—Farewell Project Titan, we hardly knew ye.

After more than ten years of development and ten billion dollars invested, Apple has finally pulled the plug on its electric car project.

But leave it to Apple to turn lemons into lemon drop martinis.

In a press release today, Apple has announced that the Project Titan group will not be disbanded after all. Instead, it is being renamed and repurposed. Meet Project Titanic.

Titanic’s mission is to pinpoint the fatal flaws that sunk the Apple car before it was ever finished. The goal is to create a blueprint for future product teams at Apple, helping them to fail in equally spectacular ways.

“Apple is so successful,” says CEO Tin Cook, “even our weak spots are strong spots. It takes a huge effort by so many people to fail on the scale of Project Titan, and I couldn’t be more proud. Project Titanic will challenge future product teams to build on Titan’s example.”

VP Kevin Lynch, Project Titan’s team leader, will continue his role as the captain of Titanic. “Project Titan represented Apple innovation at its best,” says Lynch. “Even when our budget was depleted, we invented new ways to blow through cash.”

“Titan was a huge tax write-off for Apple,” added Cook. “If Kevin can inspire just one more train wreck of that magnitude through his work with Project Titanic, I’ll be grateful.”

According to sources, other Apple teams have already been inspired by the Apple Car debacle. ““We haven’t failed nearly as well as Project Titan—yet,” said a member of the Apple Vision Pro team. “But burning through ten billion dollars is easily within reach. Some guidance from Project Titanic can only help.”

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