Apple buys Yosemite Park to promote new OS X

CEO Tim Cook, unveiling Apple’s plans for OS X Yosemite Park.

Yosemite National Park, CA — Apple isn’t just thinking different for OS X Yosemite. It’s thinking very, very big.

Parting with a bit of its loose change, the world-leading tech giant has acquired Yosemite Park from the U.S. National Park Service for $14.4 billion.

The fabled park, to be re-christened OS X Yosemite Park, will become the core of Apple’s ad campaign for the new OS X this fall — the first major effort from Apple’s new in-house ad agency.

But prepare yourself. This is not your father’s Yosemite.

The OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will require the destruction of only 12,480 trees.

“We think the bones of Yosemite Park are terrific,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at today’s press briefing. “But it’s an old park — old trees, old trails, old waterfalls. We can do better.”

First on Cook’s to-do list: raze the park’s famed Ahwahnee Hotel. In its place, Apple plans a 1,200-room luxury hotel modeled after the “spaceship” headquarters now being built in Cupertino.

Hermetically sealed, the new OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will insulate visitors from the annoying sounds and smells of nature on the other side of the wall. In doing so, it will allow them to focus on the real reason for their visit — enjoying the new OS X Yosemite experience on their Macs.

Though construction of the new hotel will significantly reduce the park’s greenery, the overall ecological impact will be positive. With a new technology called iPhotosynthesis, Apple engineers will be able to boost oxygen production in remaining trees up to 26%.

Hikers can refresh themselves with the latest Apple products at the Half Dome Apple Store.

Hiking will still be a big part of the OS X Yosemite experience — but getting lost will no longer be an option. Most of the park’s 800 miles of hiking trails are to be closed, with a single Apple-designed trail leading directly to the new Apple Store perched atop Half Dome. Retail research indicates that customers are more willing to open their wallets at higher altitudes.

Hikers who can’t make it to the top will also reap the benefits of the new structure. A laser projection on Half Dome will display the current weather, time and AAPL stock price in 64-inch text.

National Park Service rangers will become a thing of the past. Over 1,000 Genius Rangers will patrol the park, offering One-to-One training in OS X Yosemite installation and black bear defense techniques.

iPhone losing power too often? Apple is teaching old trees new tricks.

And, of course, Apple is seriously sweating the details. A whopping 33% of Yosemite’s redwoods are being outfitted with power plugs and USB ports.

“We like to think of it as Nature 2.0,” said Cook.

Best of all, Apple is making it easy for visitors to get right to the good stuff. Hourly iCopters will shuttle visitors between the hotel and the outside world, bypassing the monotony of trees, mountains and streams.

A 5-night vacation in OS X Yosemite Park will start at $4,999 for a family of four. This includes free earplugs to help deal with the sonic assault of 24/7 iCopter traffic.