Apple leaps into wearables with techy condom

Cupertino — No, it isn’t an iWatch. But Apple’s first entry into the wearable technology category is calculated to bring even more pleasure to more people.

At a press conference this morning, Apple introduced iSkin — an Apple-engineered condom designed to bring high performance to your performance.

“Amazingly,” says Apple’s press release, “iSkin is only 0.02mm thin, yet incorporates some of the most advanced technology we’ve ever created. Now, for the first time, you can back up all that talk with some real numbers.”

iSkin’s built-in accelerometer measures velocity and thrust-count, while a specially designed Apple chip (S3) measures stamina. Best of all, iSkin puts all that data to good use. With integrated Wi-Fi, it automatically uploads performance data to your Apple device and syncs with iCloud, where it is compared to previous uses and stored in your history.

But there’s more to excite you. iSkin condoms work with the simultaneously launched iSkin app, which awards achievements and “gamifies” the act of lovemaking — allowing you to compete with friends and colleagues. (A handicapping function levels the playing field for competitors of different skill levels, with presets for beginners, senior citizens and clergy.)

iSkin offers both visual and sensual delights. As the ultimate human interface, look-and-feel was supervised by Apple’s sex symbol, Jony Ive. Plus, it ships in five mood-enhancing colors selected by a panel of sex therapists, psychologists and shidduch professionals.

iSkin also syncs with the Love Genius feature found in the newest release of iTunes. Analyzing iSkin’s current operations for data, Love Genius instantly plays the track most appropriate for one’s performance, from hard rock to comedy.

All iSkin data is encrypted for privacy — or, as Apple is now referring to it, “intimacy.”

iSkin is guaranteed virus-free, and is available starting today at the Apple Store in a discreet package containing all five colors. A 3G version is available for $149.

Beginning July 1st, Apple Stores will offer special late-night One-to-One sessions to assist customers in iSkin installation and troubleshooting.