New Apple mothership to tighten security for God

Cupertino — Holy security, Batman.

To reduce the risk of being hacked by false gods, Apple will soon require The Big Guy himself to pass an identity check before offering inspiration for future product designs.

Building upon the Touch ID feature unveiled in the newest iPhones, GodTouch ID works on a far grander scale.

Before He can communicate with Apple, the Lord will need to touch the center of the mothership to receive security clearance.

“No disrespect intended,” says Cook. “We just want to make sure it’s really Him before we start working on things.”

According to Cook, once God successfully logs in, He may communicate with Apple employees using more traditional methods — such as voices in the head, images delivered in a dream state or tablets carried from nearby mountaintops.

That said, Cook does warn God that under the new system, He’ll have to step up His game. He will be logged out automatically after a 20-minute period of inactivity.

With Touch ID already a success, the biggest challenge in developing a functional GodTouch ID system was finding a clean set of God’s fingerprints.

“Of course, we didn’t find any trace of God’s prints on Android devices,” said a source close to the GodTouch team. “So we fell back on the old standards — ancient Bibles, the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Shroud of Turin, the original iPhone — all those places where God’s touch was likely to be found.”

GodTouch ID will become operational in early 2016. Until then, Apple encourages God and other deities to work on the honor system.