Apple announces iBalls: the ultimate Retina Display

Cupertino, CA — Whoever designed the human body did a respectable job — but leave it to Apple to take it to a higher level.

With its new iBalls technology, Apple has created superior eyes. Once installed, iBalls allow you to choose between five different modes of vision: normal, microscope, telescope, wide-angle and sepia.

Even better, iBalls allow you to take 8-megapixel still photos with one eye, 3D photos using two eyes, and upload a 24/7* video record of your life to iCloud in glorious 1080p.

But uploading is only part of the story. iBalls can also tap into your iTunes account to retrieve movies and TV shows, allowing you to be entertained in the privacy of your own head. It’s the perfect solution for boring business meetings, church services and family functions. (HBO is available at an additional cost.)

As Apple’s press release puts it, “What would you rather do — sit through a two-hour business meeting or watch Star Wars Episode IV? With iBalls, the choice is yours.”

Even if you never use the technology built into iBalls, you’ll feel better about yourself. iBalls let you choose from a palette of five colors, so you can finally get rid of the boring peepers you were born with. You can even mix and match to create your own unique look.

iBalls are installed by a higher level of Genius Bar employee — the iGenius — who is Apple-trained to ensure a smooth upgrade. Reservations are available online for the 20-minute procedure.

iBalls have an initial cost of $999 each and require a $59/month subscription. Both natural eyes must be removed prior to installation — but if you have limited funds, you can start with just one iBall, then use the optional iPatch ($49) to cover the vacant socket.

Those who default on their iBalls subscription will lose all functionality, including basic vision. However, in these cases, Apple will provide iBraille training at no additional cost.

* Sleep time not included.