Apple cancels iPhone 5 orders, rethinks new connector

Apple's new Mammoth connector for iPhone 5 — faster, beefier and charmingly retro

Cupertino, CA — Dreaming of a shiny new iPhone 5? Keep dreaming.

For the first time in history, Apple has suspended an announced product before it even ships.

Via email this morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook notified millions of customers that their iPhone 5 orders have been canceled. Speaking from the heart, Cook says “we deeply regret having to give back your money.”

The surprising move comes after a rising tide of negative reactions to the new Lightning connector. In effect, Apple wants a do-over.

So say goodbye to Lightning — and say hello to Mammoth.

Unlike Lightning, which scared customers with its newness, Mammoth instantly evokes warm memories of SCSI plugs and parallel ports.

“We love our customers,” explained Cook. “If you’ll be happier with a connector that’s more familiar, we’re happy to accommodate.”

While Mammoth is lovable on the outside, inside it truly is a beast.

“Mammoth wins in every measure,” says the official press release. “It’s wider, taller, thicker, heavier, with much wider pipes — the triumph of brawn over brain.”

New Mammoth connector (right) puts the laughably small Lightning connector to shame

At 49.8mm in width, Mammoth fits snugly into the bottom edge of iPhone 5. It snuggles even closer, thanks to two integrated hand-screw tighteners.

Users have the comfort of knowing the cord cannot possibly dislodge accidentally, though they will have to plan ahead 10 minutes for the disconnecting process.

Those who wish to use iPhone 5 with their old accessories may purchase a Mammoth Adapter Brick for $29.