Apple catches Burberry fever for new retail chief

Cupertino — At long last, the Help Wanted ad has been taken down from Craig’s List. That vacant post of Apple VP of Retail? Filled.

Winning the job is Burberry CEO Angela Ahrendts, who will dig in at corporate HQ in spring 2014.

Burned by the lightning-quick rise and fall of John Browett, Apple is taking no chances this time around.

The new iPhone 5p combines ultra-modern design with the timelessness of Burberry plaid

First, an exorcist will visit Browett‘s former office before Ms. Ahrendts moves in.

Second, Apple is taking visible steps to make sure Angela feels right at home from day one.

“Browett didn’t fit in with Apple,” said Tim Cook in the official press release. “We’re going to make sure Apple fits in with Angela.”

Already, Apple’s product line is being revamped to mesh with Angela’s design sensibility.

The new iPhone 5p (plaid) will put the iPhone line right in Angela’s comfort zone.

Jony Ive: “Great design goes deeper than the eye can see”

Apple Store Genius Bars will be modified for use as fashion runways, where models can trot out chic Apple technology during hourly shows.

And to put Angela at ease in meetings, Apple executives will be required to revamp their wardrobes — inside and out. (See Sir Jonathan to the right.)

It is unknown if executive undergarments will ever be inspected by Angela personally. This is “just in case,” according to Apple.

Most important, Cook is now set to debut his official “uniform” in early 2014, combining the best of Steve Jobs and Angela Ahrendts.

Prepare yourself for the plaid mock turtleneck.