Apple hits new high, launches iToke

Cupertino, CA — If you thought Apple’s customers were smiling before, wait till you see them now.

Beating all competitors into states and territories where pot has been legalized, Apple has launched iToke — for the perfect “Apple-designed high.”

iToke looks like a small pipe, but that’s where the similarities end. Its built-in USB connector serves as both a power source for the internal ignition coils and direct pathway to your lungs. So you can enjoy instant-on reefer throughout the day — up to seven hours smoke time on a single charge.

iToke is part of a new ecosystem, what Apple is calling a “walled ghanja garden.” Apple controls both the hardware and the cannabis, to ensure the highest-quality highs.

iToke accepts only Apple-made iWeed, which comes in packs of 10 pre-rolled, paperless sticks that fit perfectly into iToke.

No more need to “roll your own” or be ridiculed by your friends for botching a joint. iToke automates the process so you can concentrate on what’s really important: getting high as a kite.

The inside word is that Apple engineers insisted on testing iToke more intensely than any product in Apple history. It was considered an honor to be invited to one of the engineers’ many “testing parties.”

“That explains why iPhone 5 will be six months late,” said our source.

iToke is available at the Apple Store for $79. iWeed is available by the 10-pack for $39.99, or on a subscription basis for $29.99/week with a two-year commitment.