Apple relaxes iPhone security for son of God

Cupertino, CA — Are iPhones too good when it comes to security?

Apparently so. In response to reports that Jesus is appearing on devices from other phone makers (see report here), Apple is concerned that it has in effect “locked out the son of God.”

“It was never our intention to make Jesus’s job more difficult,” said Apple spokesperson Allison Tonille. “The latest iPhone update addresses this issue.”

iOS 5.1.2 allows Jesus (and other Apple-approved deities) access to almost all of iPhone’s core features, with the exception of multitasking.

“We welcome Jesus inside iPhone, but we can’t allow him to muck with background tasks like Mail and Notifications,” said Tonille.

The Vatican is pleased, while acknowledging that Apple is late to this party. “It is ironic that the device many called the ‘Jesus phone’ has blocked Jesus for four years. But we welcome Apple’s righteous action.”

According to Apple, iPhone will now deliver the best Jesus experience of any phone. “The Retina display will allow Jesus to appear with greater clarity than he does on other phones,” says Tonille. “He will be vastly easier to distinguish from coffee stains, tree bark and cheese sandwiches.”

In a separate statement, Apple assured its customers that it is not endorsing any third-party religion, and that services will be held as usual at all Church of Apple locations.

Jesus was unavailable for comment, but we’re expecting some kind of signal shortly.