Apple snares Charlie Sheen as corporate spokesperson

Cupertino CA — Care for some passive-aggressive-schizo-paranoia to go with your Apple arrogance?

Leaping at the opportunity, Apple has signed the suddenly unemployed Charlie Sheen to be the new face of the company. His official title will be Presentation Czar.

At a press conference introducing Sheen, acting CEO Tim Cook looked like the cat that just swallowed the canary.

“When we see a problem at Apple, we fix it,” said Cook. “The fact is, Steve is on leave. That leaves us short on personality. Charlie’s self-centered, addictive behaviors — and his need to periodically implode — make him a perfect fit for us.”

“Fuckin’ A,” said an upbeat Charlie Sheen. “From what I can tell, there aren’t nearly as many diseased maggots in Apple as there are in the TV world. Plus, the Apple chicks are just frikkin’ hot.”

The deal is effective immediately, clearing the way for Charlie to present iPad 2 to the public on Wednesday.

Reports are that Charlie plans to take Apple product launches to a whole new level. “Steve had his bottles of water,” said an Apple event staffer, “Charlie has his bottles of Bud.”

“We just want Charlie to be himself,” says Cook.

And that he will. According to a source inside the Sheen camp, Charlie will spend most of the presentation dumping on Apple competitors in the most lurid terms. In a leaked script obtained by Scoopertino, he calls Android tablets “penny-ante piles of dung that only a lobotomy victim could love.” Focusing on the Motorola Xoom, he says “I wouldn’t wish that train-wreck of stolen ideas on my worst enemy — which is me.”

And what happens when Steve returns from medical leave?

“It just gets better,” says Cook. “I want to position them as the ‘dynamic duo’ of technology. Just imagine the power of two reality distortion fields working together.”

Update March 2, 7:00pm: A last-minute legal complication prevented Charlie Sheen from appearing at the Apple event today. Otherwise, Scoopertino stands by its story.