Apple Stores begin accepting food stamps

Cupertino, CA — Citing a disturbing number of Americans unable to give Apple their money, President Obama took an important step today.

By signing a new bill that classifies iPad as an “essential nutrient,” Obama makes it possible for Apple Stores to accept U.S. food stamps as payment.

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), co-sponsor of the “No iPad Left Behind Act,” appeared at a joint press conference with Apple CEO Tim Cook this morning.

“Food stamps are meant to provide nourishment,” said Pelosi, “and iPads provide nourishment for the mind.”

At the signing, President Obama spoke of the achievement. “Never again will anyone to have to choose between an iPad and such necessities such as food, clothing and shelter,” he said. “Now it’s a simple choice between an iPad and food.”

Some critics have already complained that turning food stamps into iPads defeats the whole purpose of food stamps.

“Hogwash,” said Pelosi. “Some children may miss a few meals, but net-net everyone will be a lot happier.”

Under Apple’s terms, six months’ worth of food stamps for a family of four may be redeemed for a 16GB Wi-Fi iPad 2 (refurbished).

iPads purchased under the food stamp program will be shipped in special edible boxes made of dehydrated cornstarch and potato flour, designed to help stretch a family’s food budget.