Apple to skip new iPhones, introduce iDangle instead

Cupertino — All those rumors about the new iPhones … a new “champagne” color? Cheaper models? Fingerprint sensor?

Forget them.

Apple is set to re-establish its ability to innovate by introducing no new iPhones at all. Instead, it will introduce an entirely new way to interact with iPhone.

Meet iDangle. Apple’s first foray into the world of wearable technology.

However you currently hold your iPhone, Apple will rock your world — because with iDangle, you don’t have to hold it at all.

No more strained arm muscles or tired wrists. iDangle does all the hard work for you, holding your iPhone just inches from your nose.

This magic is made possible by iDangle Connector Tape, which attaches iPhone to the aircraft-grade aluminum iDangle body harness. This unique adhesive strip was jointly developed by Apple engineers and the 3M Duct Tape Division.

Easter egg: When the iDangle is not in use, iDangle Connector Tape can also be used to wrap pipes and plug leaks.

“We’re closing the book on the era of dongles and starting a whole new era of dangles,” said Tim Cook.

Apple’s return to invention is already garnering praise.

“This is the Apple at its best,” said analyst Gene Munster of Piper Jaffray. “It’s a total surprise — and it should silence the critics who have been questioning Apple’s ability to innovate under Tim Cook.”

The theme line for iDangle drives home the point: “Innovation is staring you in the face.”

iDangle is backward-compatible with previous generations of iPhone — but Apple warns that Android users will use iDangle at their own risk.

Analysts predict that Android-based iDangle clones will be on the market by the 2014 holiday season, giving Apple only a one-year window to establish its stranglehold on the market.

iDangle will be available September 10 for $199. iDangle Connector Tape will retail for $19.99, and be available in range of Apple-esque colors — including champagne.

Apple also promises that iDangle will be compatible with iPhone 5S, 5C and 6 … whenever they get around to making them.