Enough already: Cook has Steve Jobs’ shadow surgically removed

Apple CEO Tim Cook heads into surgery, with Steve Jobs’ shadow visible under his right arm

San Francisco, CA — Expect an eyeful at Apple’s September 9th special event. One thing you won’t see: Steve Jobs’ shadow hanging over Tim Cook.

In a marathon 11-hour operation yesterday, Cook was surgically separated from the shadow that has dogged him since October 5, 2011.

The risky procedure was performed at Stanford University Medical Center by a team of specialists, including a surgeon, psychologist, exorcist, voodooist, shadow boxer and a representative from Apple PR.

Until recently, this surgery was considered by most experts to be too dangerous. George Bush Jr. nearly lost his life during his unsuccessful battle to have his dad’s shadow removed.

“Enough,” says Tim Cook. “I love you, Steve, but I need a little privacy.”

But technology has opened new doors in shadow therapy, and the Apple Board began to pressure Cook to undergo the procedure in late 2013.

Cook was hesitant, but decided to cooperate after alternate treatments — from flamethrowers to cattle prods — only made Steve’s shadow even surlier.

The 24-hour period following shadow surgery is the most critical, and the early signs are positive. Cook has looked over his shoulder only four times today.

If all goes well, Tim will make his first-ever onstage appearance without Steve’s shadow at the upcoming iPhone 6 unveiling.

As a safeguard, a medical team will be offstage throughout the show. Apple cautions attendees not to be alarmed should an emergency response team need to rush onstage to hose Cook down with a chemical treatment.

Inspired by the news of Cook’s surgery, new Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella is reported to be considering a similar operation.

Unfortunately, experts say it is nearly impossible to remove a shadow as beefy as Steve Ballmer’s. Further complicating Nadella’s situation, Ballmer’s shadow is itself under the shadow of Bill Gates — which would necessitate an even more dangerous double-bypass operation.

AAPL stock rose 2.4% on the news that Tim Cook might soon be his own man.