Tim Cook admits doping scheme on Oprah

Hollywood, CA — World’s greatest innovator — or world’s greatest cheater?

In an interview with Oprah set to air next week, Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly admits what many have suspected for years:

Apple’s earth-shaking revolutions were the result of an elaborate doping scheme.

Since joining Apple in 1998, Cook apparently pressured an army of engineers and designers to join him in ingesting Creative Growth Hormones (cGH), which resulted in an unbroken string of Apple victories — including iPod, iPhone and iPad.

Where does creativity come from? In Tim Cook’s world, it comes from a child-proof bottle.

cGH is a chemical compound that multiplies neural pathways in the brain’s right cerebral cortex, enhancing one’s creative abilities. Use of cGH was banned by the U.S. Technology Anti-Doping Agency in 1992.

Competitors such as Microsoft and Samsung have long complained that Apple was cheating through its secret doping practices. Cook has not only denied allegations, he has threatened and intimidated team members who have spoken out.

“It’s about time,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “If Apple stops the doping, we can finally compete on a level playing field. By 2014, Apple’s products will be just as cheesy as ours.”

Cook’s admission will force the invalidation of Apple biggest revolutions. The prestigious Design & Art Direction awards won by Apple are being recalled, and Britain’s royal family has announced that Jony Ive will be stripped of his knighthood. The Queen was visibly distraught when she learned that her iPod was born in a drug-induced frenzy.

New details coming to light fill in the missing details behind the recent dismissal of iOS chief Scott Forstall. Despite Cook’s pressure, Forstall insisted on keeping the Apple Maps team clean — and Apple paid the price. Now the Maps team must play catch-up with a double-doping regimen.

Now investigators face a far bigger question: how far back does Apple’s doping scandal go? U.S. marshalls have torn up the garage where Jobs and Wozniak created their first computer. But so far, all they’ve found are pieces of a bong, four roaches and half a pack of Zig-Zags®.