Twitter swallowed by Apple, relaunched as Twapple

Cupertino, CA — Out with the Tweets, in with the Twapps.

In one of its more surprising moves, today Apple announced it had acquired Twitter. The world-changing social media site will now be known as Twapple — combining the power of Twitter with the simplicity of Apple.

In general terms, the site will continue to work as it has in the past. But Apple has unveiled a revolutionary new way to Tweet Twapp.

Rather than force you to expend valuable energy dreaming up clever new Tweets every day, Twapple does the work for you. It automatically posts clever Apple-designed quips from your Twapple name at designated intervals.

“Twapple is the perfect solution for people who don’t have the time, but don’t want to miss out on the social media revolution,” said Apple spokesperson Elias Highland.

But can an automated Twapp really sound like it came from you? According to Apple, it can sound even better — thanks to a new Twapple feature called Personalities.

Upon signup, you can browse a list of 128 Personalities to find the one that best matches you — or the person you’d rather be. Just pick one, and start Twapping.

You can try an old favorite like Funny Man (or his counterpart Funny Lady), who can find humor in even the most tragic events. Or try out a new Personality like Harlot, who blurs the line between flirting and felony.

“We built our library of Personalities and Twapps on an analysis of over 400 million Tweets made in the last year,” explained Highland. “We’ve duplicated all the familiar personality disorders. The only difference is, now you can make them your own.”

Apple says that it plans to build a whole new ecosystem around Twapple. Personalities are open to developers, so you’ll soon be able to choose from thousands of $.99 Personalities at the Twapp Store.