WWDC 2013 keynote: live blog transcript

For those who couldn’t catch the live event, here’s a transcript of Scoopertino’s coverage of Apple’s WWDC event in San Francisco.

9:56AM  Hi everyone. Roland Greenfellow here. Welcome to our live coverage of Apple’s WWDC event. Excited about today’s show.

sign10:02AM  Sorry I’m late this morning. Apple Maps. I’m just taking my seat as Tim Cook is coming on stage. Not sure why, but he’s wearing a pope hat and he’s being followed by a column of priests.

pope10:07AM  Tim says that with 575 million accounts, Apple has done in 20 years what it took the Catholic Church 2,000 years to accomplish. The priests say “Amen.” Cute.

cha-ching10:21AM  Tim unveils Project Cha-Ching. Apple will harness the power of all those accounts by randomly creating a bogus $9.99 charge for 500,000 people every day. Apple accountants assure that only a small percentage will notice.

10:39 AM  Apple is making developers rich. Tim praises the developers for all their hard work, then asks for a moment of silence for all of those that Apple will drive out of business, like 1Password and Dropbox. The priests say “Amen” again.

10:42AM  Shocker: Ron Johnson is coming back! The crowd screams in approval! The prodigal son returns.

10:44AM  Ron will not only restore the magic to the Apple Store, he will institute the new policies he perfected at JCPenney. Apple prices will immediately be raised 50% — and next week there will be a 50%-off sale. The audience is eating it up!

sale10:45AM  It gets even better. Apple Store employees will be decked out in Saint Johns Bay faux-distressed Henleys and light blue mom jeans.

10:51AM  Enter Phil Schiller. He’s presenting the new MacBook Air models. Sweet.

11:02AM  New feature: PowerOff. This puts the new MacBook Air into a deep sleep — what some people might call “off.” In this state, it uses no power whatsoever! How cool is that!

11:08AM  Tim is back. Another power-saving feature: App Nap. It shuts down background apps so they use up zero power. To demonstrate the restorative powers of a nap, Tim says he’s going to take an onstage nap for 20 minutes.

shh11:10AM  Yep, that’s what he’s doing.

11:14AM  I think he’s asleep. Not sure.

shh11:16AM  Not much happening.

11:21AM  More nothing.

shh11:26AM  Nothing happening still.

11:28AM  He’s up! And wow,  he looks really rested. This nap thing really works!

11:31AM  Phil Schiller is back now. The iBook Store has a new section called PhilBooks, which is a collection of Phil-authored works. Includes Why Steve Liked Me, Riding The Coat-Tails, Preparing For The Top Job and Guess I Won’t Be #1 After All.

uptodate11:36AM  Announcing new Connector Up-To-Date Program. For $99/year, you’ll never have to worry about Apple changing connectors again. You get one free adapter for every device you own. Phil promises many new connector updates to come.

11:39AM  Phil gives a sneak peek of the new Mac Pro. Yawn. A cylindrical computer. Bor—ing. But wait! What’s this? Apple is going to revolutionize the HOME computer with a completely new shape.

banana_phil11:41AM  No way! It’s Mac Banana! Phil says it will “a-peel” to many more customers. (Rim shot.) Research shows that people find the banana shape relaxing and unintimidating.

11:45AM  And now … as rumored … iTunes Radio. So cool. Not only lets you listen to “stations,” it recreates ugly static, just like vintage radio. Apple will totally degrade the world’s greatest library of music to provide an authentic experience. Phil says “it’s like skeuomorphism for your ears.”

11:51AM  Tim is back out. Thanks everyone for coming. Looks like the show’s over. Plays his favorite tune, Money Can’t Buy Me Love, on his personal iTunes Radio station. Can barely hear it through the static.

earplugs11:53AM  But wait! Easter Egg! Tim tells us all to look under our seats for a gift from Apple. Coolness! Apple-designed earplugs to wear when we listen to iTunes Radio. They kill the pain.

11:55AM Thanks for letting me share the day with you everyone. I’m Roland Greenfellow for Scoopertino. See you at the next show!

11 Comments

  1. MountainJew |

    LOL

  2. Joe |

    You might want to check your math. Raising the prices by 50% and then immediately cutting them by 50% results in a 25% drop in prices. I don’t think that was your intent.

    Otherwise, great article – as usual. I can’t wait for all the posts from people who think it’s real.

    • scoopertino |

      True. However, you fail to consider that the normal laws of math don’t apply in the Scoopertino universe!

      • gctwnl |

        Must be like the financial sector, then.

  3. Pingback: WWDC 2013 - iata ce s-a intamplat cu adevarat la conferinta Apple (comic) | iDevice.ro

  4. jony ive had enough |

    im just wondering, who pays you guys to write these articles? im a big fan, love your humor

    • scoopertino |

      In keeping with our “fake” concept, all salaries at Scoopertino are 100% imaginary.

      • Mirian Koridze |

        lol

    • scoopertino |

      Because this is a fake news site, we’ve extended that principle into fake profits. Not a lot of green floating around Scoopertino’s headquarters, but compliments like yours keep us going.

  5. Raynel Lopez |

    Great Job Guys! xD

  6. Neil Banerjee |

    The Project Cha-Ching Pic still has a reflection of the words “store accounts”.

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