Apple announces iBalls: the ultimate Retina Display

Cupertino, CA — Whoever designed the human body did a respectable job — but leave it to Apple to take it to a higher level.

With its new iBalls technology, Apple has created superior eyes. Once installed, iBalls allow you to choose between five different modes of vision: normal, microscope, telescope, wide-angle and sepia.

Even better, iBalls allow you to take 8-megapixel still photos with one eye, 3D photos using two eyes, and upload a 24/7* video record of your life to iCloud in glorious 1080p.

But uploading is only part of the story. iBalls can also tap into your iTunes account to retrieve movies and TV shows, allowing you to be entertained in the privacy of your own head. It’s the perfect solution for boring business meetings, church services and family functions. (HBO is available at an additional cost.)

As Apple’s press release puts it, “What would you rather do — sit through a two-hour business meeting or watch Star Wars Episode IV? With iBalls, the choice is yours.”

Even if you never use the technology built into iBalls, you’ll feel better about yourself. iBalls let you choose from a palette of five colors, so you can finally get rid of the boring peepers you were born with. You can even mix and match to create your own unique look.

iBalls are installed by a higher level of Genius Bar employee — the iGenius — who is Apple-trained to ensure a smooth upgrade. Reservations are available online for the 20-minute procedure.

iBalls have an initial cost of $999 each and require a $59/month subscription. Both natural eyes must be removed prior to installation — but if you have limited funds, you can start with just one iBall, then use the optional iPatch ($49) to cover the vacant socket.

Those who default on their iBalls subscription will lose all functionality, including basic vision. However, in these cases, Apple will provide iBraille training at no additional cost.

* Sleep time not included.

  • Star

    lol yeah right… balls for dummies… I will save my money and withdrawal from devoting my organs or limbs to apple. crazy shi$

  • Alex

    Beware Apple’s lawyers!
    I once made a fake ad with the forthcoming Cube (mine could be piled up and would interconnect in a automatic cluster). It took less than a week to receive a “nice” letter from Apple’s lawyers!…

  • http://www.facebook.com/gaetano.bomentre Gaetano Bomentre

    ehi, this is MY LOGO!!!
    LOOK!!! 
    EyeApple

  • http://twitter.com/witchy1125 Bridget McNulty

    Thanks peanut gallery. You’re both pathetic.  Mind your own beeswax.  I come here to read hilarious Apple news, not be mocked by some creeps.

  • Ger Teunis

    No, I also think you are. Who in earth is a tech company hater. How pathetic
    Can you get.

  • http://twitter.com/witchy1125 Bridget McNulty

    “Who in earth?” Sorry I don’t live in the earth, I live on it. I actually work at a tech company and I’m entitled to have my own opinions.  I have no idea why I am being attacked by any of you when all I did was express how I liked this site.  So for reals, mind your own freaken beeswax.  If all you can think to do is harass me, you are the pathetic ones.

  • TheNakedApiarist

     What if the bees want autonomous control over their wax?  It would be a severe problem for beeswax minders everywhere.  And, in fact, it is specifically because of the people WHO DO NOT MIND their own beeswax that the bees realized they could, one day, be free and govern their secretions.  As for me, I don’t mind either way.

  • http://twitter.com/witchy1125 Bridget McNulty

    Hahah. thank you for putting that into perspective. the bees should have the final say. =)

  • Anonymous

    LOL :D

  • Comer

    Guinese?

  • Comie

    I am

  • Asfasfasfasfasfsaf

    suck my iBalls

  • Mark

    The Chinese version of our Guinness Book 

  • Tom Spring51

    I don’t think you understand that most, or at least a lot of people here actually really like apple, doesn’t mean we can’t have a joke about it!

  • gremlin12

    And why do you assume Scoopertino didn’t buy the stock image?

  • Scoopertino

    Thanks for your vigilance! The image was purchased from iStock.

  • Cfriendr

    This whole thread is funnier than the article.

  • Guest

    nice!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1504421167 Yingtong Li

     WHY IS THIS NOT REAL?????!?!?!?

  • NaNa Weird

    LOL Bridget if you hate Apple, no need to actually tell that to ppl who dont. Keep your “opinions” to yourself will ya? You offended Apple lovers who read Scoopertino, and btw no one harassed you… gosh will some people just GROW UP?

  • Jenna

    Oh I’ve tried iBalls once. It’s preetttttyyy coooool!!!!!

  • Rein

    So what’s next? iEars? Helps you to hear everybody even they’re far away from you. xD

  • Sam1137

    Your other balls means….

  • plusaf

    So we can probably infer that Apple will bee coming out soon with I-wax?

  • Pingback: iballs | XXI Century

  • VerticallyChalengedPothead

    People, people, calm your tits down. *cough* apple sucks *cough*

  • Atwiki

    Hehe Church services

  • iPwnNoobz

    I have an iPhone and iPad, but this site is just too funny it just makes me laugh at how much money I’ve lost from buying apple products when I could have simply gotten an android. Aah the humanities.