Apple cancels iPhone 5 orders, rethinks new connector

Apple's new Mammoth connector for iPhone 5 — faster, beefier and charmingly retro

Cupertino, CA — Dreaming of a shiny new iPhone 5? Keep dreaming.

For the first time in history, Apple has suspended an announced product before it even ships.

Via email this morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook notified millions of customers that their iPhone 5 orders have been canceled. Speaking from the heart, Cook says “we deeply regret having to give back your money.”

The surprising move comes after a rising tide of negative reactions to the new Lightning connector. In effect, Apple wants a do-over.

So say goodbye to Lightning — and say hello to Mammoth.

Unlike Lightning, which scared customers with its newness, Mammoth instantly evokes warm memories of SCSI plugs and parallel ports.

“We love our customers,” explained Cook. “If you’ll be happier with a connector that’s more familiar, we’re happy to accommodate.”

While Mammoth is lovable on the outside, inside it truly is a beast.

“Mammoth wins in every measure,” says the official press release. “It’s wider, taller, thicker, heavier, with much wider pipes — the triumph of brawn over brain.”

New Mammoth connector (right) puts the laughably small Lightning connector to shame

At 49.8mm in width, Mammoth fits snugly into the bottom edge of iPhone 5. It snuggles even closer, thanks to two integrated hand-screw tighteners.

Users have the comfort of knowing the cord cannot possibly dislodge accidentally, though they will have to plan ahead 10 minutes for the disconnecting process.

Those who wish to use iPhone 5 with their old accessories may purchase a Mammoth Adapter Brick for $29.

  • http://www.wp7mods.it/ Francesco

    I love you, Scoopertino! Ahah :D

  • Andy

    You guys crack me up. I love it.

  • Anonymous

    I was deeply deeply DEEPLY hoping this was NOT satire!
    The look of shocked desperate terror on the face of iSheeple everywhere at news the iPhone 5 was horribly delayed would have given me enough schadenfreude to make it through the end of year!

  • rich

    Wow a scsi charger how innovative. Talk about running out of ideas. Apple finally gave in to the larger screen. Now cancelled orders because they realize how stoopid it was tocarge their fannies for that massive charger and then trying to say its better and more retro…yeah its retro coz you going old school. Hopefully they got patent on that scsi connector…easy billion up for grabs. They gave up on innovation since they look to Samsung for rounded corners and made up for the billions of their customer whom converted…just saying…

  • http://www.facebook.com/Abyss1992 Devin Wolfe

    aww come on i wan to see the scene fags cry

    ~4chan made me do it~

  • http://twitter.com/JebaczKoz Jebacz Koz

    :)

  • je ma

    you do realise this is satire right?

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    what a joke!!!

  • http://www.acid-product.co.uk Ian Davies

    Weeee haaaaave aaaaa winnerrrrrrrrrr!

  • pedro vieira

    april fools day?

  • ljmac

    I think this comment demonstrates the (minuscule) mentality of Apple haters better than any logical analysis ever could – the only thing funnier than the articles on this site are the people who take them seriously.

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  • http://www.whiterockreporter.com Whiterockreporter

    From Apple to Lemon?
    http://www.whiterockreporter.com get news you can use.

  • Hmm

    Is there a punchline somewhere that I missed?

    Where’s the joke, just asking, don’t get it.. ;(

  • leonard1

    Good lord, people like you are depressing.

  • Nishant Juneja

    The comments on scoopertino are even funnier than the posts!

  • Umbrellagirl77

    They are going to have termination issues, which are always a problem with SCSI. That should put the final nail in the coffin of their crap phone so that the whole world can just move on. And screw them anyway, it doesn’t come in pink.

  • Ronald McKenzie

    This is Great news! Thank you Scoopertino! I have a box of SCSI cables under my desk and have been wondering what to do with them. It’s exciting to see that now I can sync the new phone with my Mac SE. Any word of whether the iPhone 5 will need a gray or black terminator??

  • Vincent Minnucci

    “iSheeple” is my new favorite catch-word and I will be using that regularly. Thank you for that!

  • http://www.facebook.com/matt.wolanski Matt Wolanski

    Just wait – some steampunk will make a cable that uses the shell of an old SCSI cable yet has Lightning and Audio plugs inside it so that externally it looks just like that picture but actually works.

    Also – the first picture with the screws looks like a VHDCI SCSI connector while the lower picture does not have screws and is an older SCSI connector – or a Parallel cable as was used predominantly on printers in the Windows world.

  • http://twitter.com/mjaniec Maciej Janiec

    If only there was just the problem with iPhone 5 connector… http://goo.gl/jji44

  • Sam

    I hate Apple passionately, but I have logical, thought out reasons for it. I also understand sarcasm very well.

  • AEIOU

    Fuck APPLE !

  • AppleDude

    I thought this was true !:P

  • Jason Gentile

    ljmac. Waht r u doin. ljmac. STAHP.

    Seriously though, to assume that because one idiot on here didn’t get the satire and just happens to be an apple hater doesn’t mean all apple haters are illogical morons. That assumption is very irrational because you’re basing it off of only one person and then saying everyone that hates Apple must be as stupid as him. I know some pretty stupid Apple fan boys. Does that mean that everyone that uses any Apple product is a moron? What about people who buy Linux systems? Are they all nerds that sit around and code all day? No, of course not, so stop being a judgmental man-child :D Even if it was a joke, it’s still promoting an unfair stereotype. And in case you want to try and say I’m an apple hater, I’ve used Apple products for 7 years in conjunction with PCs and Android devices.

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    This fellow is thicker than pea soup.

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    I agree most heartily…

  • http://www.hopy.org.in/ hopy

    I think this is one of the most vital information for me.