Apple hits new high, launches iToke

Cupertino, CA — If you thought Apple’s customers were smiling before, wait till you see them now.

Beating all competitors into states and territories where pot has been legalized, Apple has launched iToke — for the perfect “Apple-designed high.”

iToke looks like a small pipe, but that’s where the similarities end. Its built-in USB connector serves as both a power source for the internal ignition coils and direct pathway to your lungs. So you can enjoy instant-on reefer throughout the day — up to seven hours smoke time on a single charge.

iToke is part of a new ecosystem, what Apple is calling a “walled ghanja garden.” Apple controls both the hardware and the cannabis, to ensure the highest-quality highs.

iToke accepts only Apple-made iWeed, which comes in packs of 10 pre-rolled, paperless sticks that fit perfectly into iToke.

No more need to “roll your own” or be ridiculed by your friends for botching a joint. iToke automates the process so you can concentrate on what’s really important: getting high as a kite.

The inside word is that Apple engineers insisted on testing iToke more intensely than any product in Apple history. It was considered an honor to be invited to one of the engineers’ many “testing parties.”

“That explains why iPhone 5 will be six months late,” said our source.

iToke is available at the Apple Store for $79. iWeed is available by the 10-pack for $39.99, or on a subscription basis for $29.99/week with a two-year commitment.

  • Austintatious

    Can’t tell if you’re a pretentious ass or just an apple user…Shit they’re the same? I guess you’re both. You sneaky bastard.

  • Devon Nelson

    I think you should hate yourself retard…everyone knows it is a joke

  • oreo

    mine keeps trying to update itunes! also i it doesnt support flash.

  • Grigsby

    There’s a good apple bong joke to be made here, but I’m too high to come think of it.

  • Janae Smith

    Nice idea, but I’d bet the dear writer who made this does not smoke…

  • dev

    I was actually going to like apple lol


    Um. Want.

  • shabadabadoo

    The only way I can tell this is fake is because it says there is a USB connector. Apple would have a proprietary connector.

  • Pingback: Apple lancia iToke |

  • whothefuckareyou

    what repo do you use?
    will see if there is any same repo for centos 6 …

  • Billmurphy

    I laughed so hard I was crying and couldn’t, talk you got me! Right on.

  • henrysin44

    jailbreak for free weed

  • Dbakeca Italia


  • Ben Bidmead

    Oh thanks man :)

  • gary

    grow up.

  • javavian


  • Jesus

    why dont you all buy an iToke and chill the fuck out

  • Pino

    “Only compatible with iToke custom manufactured iWeed. Enhanced volumes can be consumed by purchasing additional expansion bowls at the modest price of $9000.99.”

  • Jack Haggerty

    I was very happy for a while, then I was sad.

  • Jim Morris

    Oh you mean the ” all news fit to fabricate” at the top of the page didn’t tip you off? lol

  • Joe

    Shipping weed over state lines is not a good idea… very creative ad tho. Had me fooled


    Check out and get on the waitlist.

  • GeekThem
  • geoffrey

    Does it get Wi-Fi?