Cupertino, CA — Apple-haters standing between Apple and world domination? Not for long.
Determined to convert even the nastiest naysayers, Apple today begins shipping Apple Kool-Aid. Previously available only to employees and fanboys, now everyone can drink the Kool-Aid — and enjoy the calming effect of a deep, religious love for all things Apple.
Jointly developed by Apple and Kraft Foods, Apple Kool-Aid releases a chemical that disrupts synapse activity in the cerebral cortex — in effect, creating a biological distortion field. Just four ounces of the product produces docile, easily-led subjects within four minutes of ingestion.
Apple Kool-Aid was quickly rejected by the FDA, which normally frowns upon products that toy with our brains. However, they reversed their ruling just as quickly after drinking the juice themselves.
In test markets, Apple Store sales have increased as much as 40%, while PCs and Android phones have been found abandoned in the streets.
However, the new product does not come without risk. The warning label reads:
Side-effects of Apple Kool-Aid include strained friendships and loss of appetite for critical thinking. Seek immediate medical attention if you experience Apple Store shopping sprees lasting four hours or more.