Apple Kool-Aid to go into mass distribution

Cupertino, CA — Apple-haters standing between Apple and world domination? Not for long.

Determined to convert even the nastiest naysayers, Apple today begins shipping Apple Kool-Aid. Previously available only to employees and fanboys, now everyone can drink the Kool-Aid — and enjoy the calming effect of a deep, religious love for all things Apple.

Jointly developed by Apple and Kraft Foods, Apple Kool-Aid releases a chemical that disrupts synapse activity in the cerebral cortex — in effect, creating a biological distortion field. Just four ounces of the product produces docile, easily-led subjects within four minutes of ingestion.

In a Kool-Aid test market in the Pacific Northwest, Apple received one order for 16,000 iPhones

Apple Kool-Aid was quickly rejected by the FDA, which normally frowns upon products that toy with our brains. However, they reversed their ruling just as quickly after drinking the juice themselves.

In test markets, Apple Store sales have increased as much as 40%, while PCs and Android phones have been found abandoned in the streets.

However, the new product does not come without risk. The warning label reads:

Side-effects of Apple Kool-Aid include strained friendships and loss of appetite for critical thinking. Seek immediate medical attention if you experience Apple Store shopping sprees lasting four hours or more.

  • Ronald McKenzie

    Tell that to Mrs. Simpson.

  • Ronald McKenzie

    Poor Bill. He started out with trying a little sip of Apple Kool-Aid because of that Zune thing. It wasn’t until he was forced to do the Shoe store commercials that he really started hitting it hard. He favors “white” which he code-named “milk” and takes via an IV drip at bedtime.

  • UK girl

    Yes it is.

  • James Barnhill

    It’s assumed that’s what you’ll be doing.

    At least, after your first glass of Kool-Aid.

  • James Barnhill

    Check again?


    I I I I I IIII

  • iName

    You’re missing the “b” in dumbster

  • free_2_the_dom

    Will it be ok for me to mix the purple and green kool-aid? Or will I be needing an Apple Kool Aid mixing adapter of sorts??? Please respond asap, im getting mine later today, cant wait! *excited face*

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  • Fuckabetch

    You don’t get it, do you?