Speaking before the House Committee on Financial Services yesterday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled Apple’s fix for our battered economy: flashy new currency designed to stimulate spending.
“Two hundred years of butt-ugly, monochrome currency is enough to drive any economy into the toilet,” said Cook. “It’s a miracle we lasted as long as we did.”
The new currency, called AppleBucks, will change the way we look at money. Each denomination is easily recognized by its distinct color.
The image of Apple founder Steve Jobs will appear on every denomination, eliminating the current arbitrary sequence of dead presidents.
“It’s really just an interface issue,” said Cook. “People take comfort in consistency.”
But how exactly will the new bills stimulate the economy?
“Apple-designed currency takes spending to a new level,” said Cook. “For the first time, people will be proud to pull money out of their wallets.”
Though the Apple plan has bipartisan support and appears poised for approval, some critics are suspicious of the terms.
“We just want to be fair,” says Cook. “We’re taking over printing and distribution, and in return we’re only asking for 30% of every cash transaction in America. Same deal as the App Store.”
AppleBucks will be manufactured at Foxconn factories in China. By paying workers with money they’re laboring to print themselves, Apple can pay higher wages without really spending anything.
AppleCare for AppleBucks is available for only $49/year. Owners may have their money ironed free at the Genius Bar to keep it crisp, or exchange damaged bills for fresh currency. Money-laundering will be available via third parties.