Apple offers bold plan to fix the U.S. economy

Cupertino, CA — To Apple, there is no problem good design can’t fix. And that includes the U.S. economy.

Speaking before the House Committee on Financial Services yesterday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled Apple’s fix for our battered economy: flashy new currency designed to stimulate spending.

“Two hundred years of butt-ugly, monochrome currency is enough to drive any economy into the toilet,” said Cook. “It’s a miracle we lasted as long as we did.”

The new currency, called AppleBucks, will change the way we look at money. Each denomination is easily recognized by its distinct color.

The image of Apple founder Steve Jobs will appear on every denomination, eliminating the current arbitrary sequence of dead presidents.

“It’s really just an interface issue,” said Cook. “People take comfort in consistency.”

But how exactly will the new bills stimulate the economy?

“Apple-designed currency takes spending to a new level,” said Cook. “For the first time, people will be proud to pull money out of their wallets.”

Though the Apple plan has bipartisan support and appears poised for approval, some critics are suspicious of the terms.

“We just want to be fair,” says Cook. “We’re taking over printing and distribution, and in return we’re only asking for 30% of every cash transaction in America. Same deal as the App Store.”

AppleBucks will be manufactured at Foxconn factories in China. By paying workers with money they’re laboring to print themselves, Apple can pay higher wages without really spending anything.

AppleCare for AppleBucks is available for only $49/year. Owners may have their money ironed free at the Genius Bar to keep it crisp, or exchange damaged bills for fresh currency. Money-laundering will be available via third parties.

  • Anonymous

    Isn’t the dollar sign ($) kind of old?  I would think Apple designers would have come up with something new ….  which would have required everyone to buy new keyboard to support the new currency symbol.  

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  • Anonymous

    Money is already printed by a private company, so instead of letting the guys of the Federal Reserve do it, it would be Apple. I think it would be an upgrade. They have to do something with coins too, a dime smaller than a penny? wtf? Consistency, have you heard of it?

  • D

    Or you can go with Google bucks that are free but secretly tracking you as you spend them and what you spend them on and sells you to its customers the advertisers as you are Google’s product and selling you for 100% profit.

  • Herwin Wevers

    this is a joke…they can´t be serious.

  • Josh White


  • lewax00

     100% profit? Do you think running services to get your information like Google search, Gmail, and Google+ is free? Because it certainly isn’t anywhere close to free, therefore profit < 100%.

  • JamesR624

    I know this is a joke but I honestly think they look neat and is a good idea. It seems to be working for Canada. Moving towards both colorful plastic money as well as digital. I honestly think our government should consider something like this. Maybe not by apple but a similar idea.

  • Goff667

    I’m a little disappointed with the design. I was expecting a bit more from apple. Considering how simple apple is, I would of thought one simple glass apple buck ( with retina of course) and you sync it with iTunes to change its currency.

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  • Eric Schatz

    Hasn’t Disney already done this?

    What about just replacing everybody’s debit cards with iTunes cards?

  • Ed

    Can Apple roll this out to other countries as well? UK currency could do with a refresh, the Greek currency is in the toilet, followed closely by Spain.

  • Jack Cohen

    Just make everyone carry around iPhones with a Google-Wallet competitor on it… And then everyone has to buy and iPhone! Go Apple!

  • Jack Cohen

    This is a joke site… DUH!

  • Willee

    I Know This Is A Joke, I Hope. I’ve Seen Stupider Things Done By The  Govt. Over My Years On This Big Blue Marble. some Of The Comments I’ve Read are Pretty Funny, Some Ludicrous, & Some Just Plain Crazy Stupid. Please People, Don’t Give The Govt. Anymore Ideas, They Are Trained Professionals, & Have Plenty Of Their Own Stupid, Crazy Ideas Of There Own….!!!!

  • Dontspamthomas

    This should be real. xPr

  • Clean Cut Media

    brilliant. the sad thing is, apple has more money to back up those bills then the US government probably does..

  • an ordinary girl

    like the iCurrency? the best sybol would be “i”.

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  • Matt Wolanski

    I am holding out for AmazonAmeriCoins – on the down side they are only good at