By Miyoko Yamada | March 21, 2011

Apple Stores to be rebranded as “Church of Apple”

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

On May 1st, 2011, all 300+ Apple Stores will officially be closed. On May 2nd, they will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains acting CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)

The iBook of JobsCupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

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  • Largec

    this is why consumers love apple as it provides a highly liberal experience in both it’s stores and it’s devices, however exempting it’s developers for the sake of quality assurance 

  • iGuest

    You just got obviously iTrolled.

    Common guys.. seriously.

  • A Concerned Commenter

    Sir, I understand that your passion for the Lord, but if anything, this article is actually making fun of how people are making a god of Apple. I think this is a very well written, tongue-in-cheek article of the phenomenon and is in no way trying to blaspheme God or make fun of Christianity. But sir, while you are jealous of the name of God, you are not representing Him by flying off the handle. Did Jesus act this way when confronted by His accusers? No. He judged with righteous judgment and spoke righteously, choosing His words carefully as to have the best impact possible. Yes, at times He did speak with righteous indignation and directly confronted certain people, but not in the way you’ve done. What you have written is offensive and misrepresents God to the extreme. Please, sir, while I hope you had the best of intentions, this does nothing to promote the cause of Christ; it only hinders it.

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    You don’t need a church to worship apple.

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