Apple tackles factory suicide issue, releases HappyApp

Shanghai, China — Surprising critics who’ve complained that Apple isn’t doing enough to stem rising suicide rates in factories of its Chinese suppliers, the company has taken bold action.

Today Apple announced HappyApp, an iPhone app designed specifically to lift the spirits of depressed factory workers of all cultures.

Suicide prevention goes mobile with Apple's new HappyApp app.

HappyApp features the antic adventures of Appy the Clown, an irresistible character who just won’t quit until he gets a laugh. With his Mood Detection Engine, Appy can actually gauge the depth of a user’s depression and spew his humor accordingly.

“We think HappyApp could become one of our biggest apps,” explains Eddie Cue, Apple’s VP in charge of iTunes. “As Apple’s manufacturing needs grow, so does our target market.”

HappyApp is filled with mirth-making features like TimeClock, which counts down time until the next break — whether that break is coming in an hour or a week. NewsLifter edits news sites on the fly, eliminating depressing realities and adding upbeat pablum.

Some analysts say HappyApp is too narrowly focused to create a meaningful revenue stream for Apple. Cue disagrees. “This isn’t just about iPhone factory workers. Appy the Clown will be raising spirits in nursing homes, maximum-security prisons and BP executive offices.”

  • Joe

    First!

    Another great job, Scoopertino. You’re now my main source for Apple ‘news’.

  • Another Macuser

    OMG… I consider this absolutely non-PC. Heehee – well, it’s all about Apples and Macs, isn’t it. And I must say – it’s GREAT :-D Thx for another nonsense that made my day! Keep going!

  • icky vicky

    Hahahahahahahah

  • Rina

    LOL One way to tackle the suicides in China I assume??? Heehee..

  • Hsiaoshuang

    What a sick joke from Apple. Perhaps Steve Jobs can use this app to life his own spirit when he goes for medical treatment.

  • Daveoo2

    I’m surprised it’s free.

  • Anonymous

    my question is how many of the factory workers can afford an iphone to run this app on?

  • Guest

    wtf her hand is an old lady hand

  • Asif M.D Shahidi Hasibish

    nive!

  • Asif M.D Shahidi Hasibish

    want this app. fucking awesome

  • Wars

    Nice one!