Deja Scoop: Apple Stores to be rebranded as Church of Apple

Scoopertino is closed for the holidays. In the meantime, we’ll recycle a couple of stories from our dusty archives. Like this one…

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

After shutting down for one day early in January, all 350+ Apple Stores will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)

The iBook of JobsCupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

  • Brendan Rogers


  • Apple Hater

    Apple Sucks.  Love this site.

  • boredumb

    It sort of figures that an “Apple Hater” would lack the imagination to see this site for what it really is…

  • hourglass1

    bunch of guys with fig envy … but this one is really funny …

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  • Dan_kaiser

    complete blasphemy! may the wrath of Jobs come upon you!

  • Anonymous

    It’s funny how there actually  is or was a church of steve jobs.

  • Michael Gastineau

    I happen to live by that Apple store. The mosaic looks even better in person. 

  • Why do you bother?

    What’s an “Apple Hater” even doing, browsing for news and details about Apple? Shouldn’t you be looking at bluescreens right now? 

  • Marcos


  • Bakerbert

    You forgot to add the part:
    Apple writes a patent for Monotheism Religion and sues; Jewish, Christian and Islamic churches. Apple thought of it first and are just getting around to implementing it.

  • Ackongolsim Thenewbelief

    Cough Cough…. Virgin

  • Archbishop of Apple

    What’s your problem?? You hypocrite. i bet you own a Dell. Why are any computers running anything from Microsoft allowed to be called computers. you would be better off trying to type on a tree.

  • Neil Banerjee


    Good one, except yo forgot the unknown error 0x00000065