London, U.K. — The knighting of Apple design chief Jony Ive sent cheers of delight around the Apple universe. But it didn’t take long for the dark clouds to appear.
A Scoopertino investigation reveals that Ive’s knighthood is actually the result of a secret back-room deal between Apple, the Royal Family and the highest levels of British government.
In return for allowing Jony Ive to accept his knighthood, Apple negotiated concessions that will allow it to sink its hooks deeper into the British culture.
For starters, Sir Jony Ive himself will redesign Big Ben to reflect Apple’s superior aesthetic sensibilities. The stodgy 153-year-old landmark will soon be covered by a shroud —and when that shroud is removed on June 1, 2012, Big Ben will display time, date, weather and battery status.
Yes, battery status. Once the aging guts of Big Ben have been removed, there will be ample room for Apple to install a large lithium-ion battery. In the event of a power outage, Apple promises that renovated landmark will continue to function for up to seven days.
Apple's improvements to the British pound will save in production costs
“Apple is all for tradition,” Ive recently said to our source. “But honestly, Big Ben is just a visual train-wreck. It needs to be more user-friendly.”
The tower will also provide Wi-Fi and Bluetooth to passers-by, for which Apple will collect a small fee.
In addition to the Big Ben renovation, Apple will also redesign the British pound to incorporate the famous “bite” that appears in Apple’s logo. This will not only keep Apple top-of-mind, it will save the Royal Mint 17.6% in the cost of metal to produce the coins.
“It’s also a more accurate representation of the actual value of the pound,” added Ive.
Apple, 10 Downing Street and the Queen all declined to comment on this story.
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