HP kills more biz units, relocates to Sunnyvale strip mall

Palo Alto, CA — Move over, Freddy Krueger, there’s a new slasher in town.

Just two weeks after killing HP’s tablets and phones, and abandoning ship on PCs, CEO Léo Apotheker has struck again. His target this time? Just about everything.

HP Enterprise Business: gone. HP Software: gone. Only HP Imaging and Printing will survive — though you’ll have to go hunting to find it.

HP will sell all the group’s assets except six DeskJet printers, and relocate the business to a Sunnyvale strip mall under the name HP Invent … and Print! Apotheker sees HP becoming a major player in Sunnyvale’s red-hot document duplication market.

“I believe this company can be very profitable with a receptionist and six executives,” says Apotheker, “as long as one is willing to double as the night cleaning staff.”

Is customer service slipping already? HP issues parking warning for new corporate HQ

To further prove his credentials as a visionary, Apotheker is eyeing acquisitions that will expand HP into dry cleaning and vacuum cleaner repair by Q2 2012.

HP’s new moves are music to investors’ ears. They’re cheering the fact that HP’s operational costs have gone from hundreds of millions of dollars to just under a couple grand.

But some old-timers express sadness that Apotheker is turning his back on HP’s grand traditions. HP spokesperson Sandy Spiels replies, “HP will always remain true to our core value — invention. It’s just that now we’ll be inventing new ways to print your church flyer or get that marinara stain off your tie.”

Apotheker’s new cutbacks ensure that the company will complete its “circle of success” — moving from Hewlett and Packard’s one-car garage to a giant global corporation, then back to a garage-sized space once again.

Ms. Spiels invites all current HP customers to come visit their new Sunnyvale address. However, she does warn visitors not to park in the space reserved for Bistro La Bon or risk being towed.

  • http://www.letstalktablets.com letstalktablets

    oh my, this article is absolutely hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time I was reading it!!!! Too funny! Since it’s in Sunnyvale and all, I wonder if they can get Jim Lahey on board as the store’s security guard? Then competitors would REALLY need to watch out and would be in for some stiff competition no doubt!

  • Leo

    Where is the Larry Ellison element? HP and Ellison are an item! You can’t break the rules, guys! Even Steve would have agreed that Ellison would have danced naked in San Francisco celebrating this!

  • http://twitter.com/CamilloMiller Camillo Miller

    When is TheOnion acquiring you? This is pure genius!

  • Anonymous

    Great! Can’t wait to get my copies off the new HP HQ!

  • Joe

    No, No, NO…. They need Jason Chen as their security guard

  • Anonymous

    So what every happen to Rubenstein?

  • http://twitter.com/sacherjj Joe Sacher

    He has been running a dry cleaning business in hopes of getting purchased by HP.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gavin-Coles/524862901 Gavin Coles

    Oh my god don’t give Leo any ideas… At least if he was in a small office we could all pop along an give him a verbal slapping.

  • Mgreen2528

    This is really funny, I do not understand HP, HP flip flops more than a cook at IHOP making pancakes. I really feel sorry for all those workers who are going to be layed off at HP. HP needs new management to steer the company in the right direction.

  • Macavity

    Apple will also be announcing that all Mac manufacture will move back to Steve’s old garage. This is the reason Steve is leaving at he has been stressed about the igarage sale. Cook said “Since Mac sales are just a token part of Apple inc, it seems a good move and Steve is giving the space to us at a good rent. Long lead times are going to happen but all the best things come to those who wait”. Ive is currently working on a superlight powerdrill (iScrew Express)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/William-Robert-Kent-Cousert/100000026392426 William-Robert Kent Cousert

    HP is about as relevant as the Packard automobile company.

  • Bartkingham

    This is insane.  I hope it’s been put here only as a  joke.

  • https://profiles.google.com/116073748054291541228/posts Techy8789

    HP was the biggest PC manufacturer.  Now they want to kill it for dumb enterprise crap, while abandoning millions of users.

  • Anonymous

    hilarious