It’s baa-aack: The Apple II leads a new revolution

Cupertino, CA — Where most people see a museum piece, Apple sees a new revenue stream. The Apple II is back, in all its underpowered splendor.

Meet “the new Apple II.” (According to sources, it was almost called the “Apple II 2.”)

As Apple’s press release explains: “The Apple II gave birth to the computer industry. Now it’s pregnant again — this time with unlimited possibilities.”

The new Apple II targets two different demographic groups: those nostalgic for simpler times, and those who still don’t get what memory is.

Remaining true to its original concept, the new Apple II isn’t exactly a speed demon. Hypothetically, its 1MHz processor would take about an hour to download an average web page. But that assumes you could actually connect the new Apple II to the Internet — which you can’t.

In fact, the new Apple II is unabashedly unconnected. With no Wi-Fi, Ethernet and USB ports, there will be nothing to distract you from enjoying the best of Apple II’s two dozen apps, which include a recipe manager and an electronic checkbook.

But this isn’t your father’s Apple II. Despite the retro theme, Apple has added one very handy port that allows the user to connect a turntable or cassette deck. You can’t store music in the computer, but you can use the Apple II box to store up to 150 vinyl albums or 300 cassettes.

No aluminum was harmed in the making of this computer. The new Apple II is big on beige, with industrial-strength plastics that will dominate landfills for centuries to come.

Apple is leaving nothing to chance with the new Apple II, working with partners to seduce customers with a rich ecosystem. Intel is developing an even slower chip to power a newer new-generation Apple II. Adobe, eager to make peace with Apple, will unveil an all-text version of Photoshop.

The new Apple II personal computer will be available on May 14th, starting at $4,995. For only $49, you can get a 2-year AppleCare plan — pre-dated to expire in 1981.