Mac virus alert! Ballmer Worm spreading like wildfire

Cupertino, CA — Move over, MACDefender. There’s a new virus in town. And this little bugger was spawned in the fiery depths of Redmond.

Apparently, a covert team at Microsoft unleashed the Ballmer Worm in an attempt to wipe that smug “we’re immune to viruses” smile off the face of Mac users — and make Microsoft a few bucks in the process.

Only problem: the coders did about as good a job on the Ballmer Worm as they did with Windows Vista.

More times than not, the Ballmer Worm stalls when attempting to exploit a user’s Mac. That’s because it was designed for the 2003-vintage Internet Explorer 5 for Mac.

When the Ballmer Worm Installer inevitably chokes, Clippy the help icon appears to offer assistance. If Clippy is unable to resolve the problem, he/she/it offers two choices: a home visit by an IT professional or a coupon worth $20 toward the purchase of any Microsoft product.

“We know it’s not the ideal way to infect people’s Macs, but we’re on schedule to deliver a fix in the third quarter of 2012,” says our source inside Microsoft.

When and if the Ballmer Worm ever starts working correctly, users should beware. It’s designed to hijack the user’s Twitter account and post this message:

Really hating my Mac today. Moving to Windows 7 Home Premium™.
Who’s wid me?

To provide maximum choice, Microsoft currently offers Ballmer Worm Home Premium, Ballmer Worm Professional and Ballmer Worm Ultimate.

The 18-step Ballmer Worm QuickStart Guide can be found at microsoft.com/worm-me.

  • Guest

    Wow, you guys have really outdone yourselves with your last two posts!

  • Gerben Wierda

    Hey, the link microsoft.com/worm-me is down! ;-) Maybe complain to steve@microsoft.com?

  • Anonymous

    I saw Steve Ballmer’s worm at the Windows 95 afterparty back in the day. The Stones were there, so a certain amount of cocaine and debauchery were to be expected, but when Ballmer whipped out his worm, the room (actually the 17 floor of the Waldorf) went dead quiet. Jagger cried like a child, and Woods had to be restrained from throwing a chair into a window and jumping out. Gates was there, trying to set up a threesome (he called it a tri-user interface experiment) with a tranny and someone named Belinda (?). The guy who programs Windows (it turns out there’s one guy doing the programming, the other 250,000 employees are in customer service) asked me if this internet thing would turn into something worth worrying about and should he worry about viruii and such-like. I started to say “yes”, but Michael Dell asked me at the same time if I wanted some Dell stock, so of course I said “no”. When I turned around the programmer guy was gone.

    Wait, what was the question?

  • Guest

    As long as neither Microsoft nor Apple touches my Linux, I’m happy. Technically, Darwin  is a modification of a UNIX kernel, but the Ballmer Worm probably is targeted at Apple’s Cocoa GUI. Sinc most distributions of Linux use the X Window System, I do believe it’s safe.

    It is amusing to watch their petty little fights, however.

  • 121maxiforklift

    You d know all these stories are fake, right?

  • Guest

    Ah, I’m relieved to see somebody taking these articles seriously again! It seems that a few articles back these people suddenly realised this was a parody site, but their comments used to be half the fun. :-)

  • LadyRagZ

    Hey,  I’ll vote for Jobs.  Or jobs. Whatever. I’m a littie late catching up to the campaign, but I’m “‘in.”  I don’t want to be saying, “I wish…” as in the following true-life experience:

    Years ago, someone closely related to Michael Rylander (aka Scoopertino) said Michael had told her not to buy any computer that didn’t have an apple on it.  She advised me to do the same. Smart as I am, I didn’t listen. I could have bought an Escalade with the money I’ve thrown at Gates & Co. since then.

  • Guest

    Of course.

    I was going to say something funny, but then I realized it wasn’t funny at all, and I just posted it to see if anyone was going to start asking me if I knew all the stories are fake. ;-)

  • Anonymous

    It is quite tragic that MSFT has successfully worked its way into our awareness…quite tragic…

  • http://twitter.com/foggyeyes69 Viraj Mahesh

    Trollin’ on Apple AND Microsoft at the same time ? You sir, are a genius. And not the apple kind