That was fast: Microsoft announces CEO short list

msft_candidates2Redmond, WA — Who on earth could possibly fill Steve Ballmer’s shoes? The answer is quickly coming into focus.

Within minutes of announcing CEO Ballmer’s retirement, Microsoft’s brain trust has announced a short list of six replacements.

All are currently being vetted to ensure that they live up to the Steve Ballmer standard. The final decision, due within 60 days, comes down to these candidates:

Ursula Burns, CEO of Xerox. With her expertise in the copying biz, Ursula could be a perfect fit for a Microsoft that’s made copying the bedrock of its business strategy.

Takekaze Akira, Sumo Wrestler. Once considered a long shot, Akira’s star is rising among developers who have grown attached to Ballmer’s raucus, sweaty events.

Sparky, San Diego Zoo. Sparky is considered the “wise old man” in primate circles. His intellectual capacity will sit well with Ballmer’s power base.

Sergio Zyman, Marketing Genius. The architect of the New Coke disaster is one of the few people on earth capable of continuing Ballmer’s unbroken string of horrific ad campaigns.

Turkey & Cheese Sandwich, Subway. With Ballmer proving that brains and vision are over-rated, this contender might even be overqualified. Would once and for all disprove Steve Jobs’ assessment that Microsoft “has no taste.”

Edward “Chico” Cymansky, Career Criminal. While Ms. Burns of Xerox has cornered the market in copying, Mr. Cymansky takes a more straightforward approach. He simply steals. This brasher tack may be just the right spirit for a reinvigorated Microsoft.

Microsoft has assured investors that the process of choosing a Ballmer successor will mirror the way Ballmer has so successfully run the company — meaning that the 60-day process will likely require 4-5 years to complete.

  • Pick Me!

    That was fast: Another great Scoopertino article!

  • Stella Holcomb

    someone from Apple please

  • Henry James

    I might include George W. Bush for his overreaching capacity to launch preemptive strikes that would leave the competition in the dust. Otherwise, these are very worthy candidates.

  • Name This!

    You might… except nothing like that has happened with Ballmer as CEO.

  • Tardroid

    Scott forstall for the President…oh i mean CEO.

  • Mike Chu

    Love the turkey and cheese sandwich one

  • gabe


  • gctwnl

    A bit cheap & fast, but that last paragraph is hilarious.

  • boredumb

    There is NO chance that sandwich came from any Subway I’ve been to…

  • ashoo

    HA HA HA .. Gr8 article ! Love the Ursula Burns & Chico ! Last Line takes the cake .. also Bush wouldve been a potential candidate .. !

  • Vista

    I think nobody should ignore Sparky, the 800 pounds orang-utan hiding in the room… Especially regarding his on-stage performances; they will keep alive our fond memories of any Balmer presentation in the past.