Tim Cook admits doping scheme on Oprah

oprahHollywood, CA — World’s greatest innovator — or world’s greatest cheater?

In an interview with Oprah set to air next week, Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly admits what many have suspected for years:

Apple’s earth-shaking revolutions were the result of an elaborate doping scheme.

Since joining Apple in 1998, Cook apparently pressured an army of engineers and designers to join him in ingesting Creative Growth Hormones (cGH), which resulted in an unbroken string of Apple victories — including iPod, iPhone and iPad.

cgh

Where does creativity come from? In Tim Cook’s world, it comes from a child-proof bottle.

cGH is a chemical compound that multiplies neural pathways in the brain’s right cerebral cortex, enhancing one’s creative abilities. Use of cGH was banned by the U.S. Technology Anti-Doping Agency in 1992.

Competitors such as Microsoft and Samsung have long complained that Apple was cheating through its secret doping practices. Cook has not only denied allegations, he has threatened and intimidated team members who have spoken out.

“It’s about time,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “If Apple stops the doping, we can finally compete on a level playing field. By 2014, Apple’s products will be just as cheesy as ours.”

Cook’s admission will force the invalidation of Apple biggest revolutions. The prestigious Design & Art Direction awards won by Apple are being recalled, and Britain’s royal family has announced that Jony Ive will be stripped of his knighthood. The Queen was visibly distraught when she learned that her iPod was born in a drug-induced frenzy.

New details coming to light fill in the missing details behind the recent dismissal of iOS chief Scott Forstall. Despite Cook’s pressure, Forstall insisted on keeping the Apple Maps team clean — and Apple paid the price. Now the Maps team must play catch-up with a double-doping regimen.

Now investigators face a far bigger question: how far back does Apple’s doping scandal go? U.S. marshalls have torn up the garage where Jobs and Wozniak created their first computer. But so far, all they’ve found are pieces of a bong, four roaches and half a pack of Zig-Zags®.

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  • Jeff

    Hilarious! The last especially is genius :) “But so far, all they’ve found are pieces of a bong, four roaches and half a pack of Zig-Zags®.”

  • Damon Clarke

    At least we know Steve Ballmer is clean

  • denbo68

    I understand that Apple Maps developers were all clean… explains a lot doesn’t it.

  • gctwnl

    Mwah. First Scoopertino that I find not very creative. Ran out of cGH, boys?

  • squeaky

    You do realize that “mwah” = “kiss,” right? Whatever. I thought it was the best Scoop I’ve seen in a while. L’ed my A O. So the score is tied 1-1. Anyone else?

  • http://www.scoopertino.com scoopertino

    Bingo! Thank you for this magnificent contribution. We’ve just amended the article accordingly and put Ms. Weekhawk on 30-day probation for failing to file a complete story. Much appreciated.

  • gctwnl

    Oops. No, did not realize that. Was thinking about the ‘not impressed’ sound and got language contamination.

    Anyway, IMO this one is far from ‘Apple Water’, ‘iPad XL’, ‘Church of Jobs’, ‘Ballmer biography’ (and many more) brilliance.

  • Stabmaster Arson

    Uh, no! That dude is on something totally unnatural!

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    What could you expect after the Kool-Aid drink?

  • Jewish McMiller

    Nice story! I’ll keep subscribed!

  • http://50doctowho.weebly.com/ 50SherlockHolmes

    oh my days, a movie called ‘jobs’ is coming out in april, its all about steve jobs.

  • bewilderbeast

    Yeah, but its like brylcreem or something