VATICAN SHOCKER: Cardinals tap Siri as next pope

siri_conclaveVatican City, Italy — In a surprising twist to the papal drama, the College of Cardinals today elected Siri to be the next pope.

Pope Siri I assumes her duties immediately.

The cardinals’ decision is groundbreaking in several important ways. Siri becomes the first arguably female pope, the first battery-powered pope and, most important, the first truly infallible pope.

pope_meets_siri

Pope Benedict meets with his successor after the election

Pope Siri’s divine guidance is based on 16 terabytes of Apple-approved data housed in the iPad-maker’s North Carolina servers.

Addressing the assembled cardinals following her election, Siri pledged to learn Latin and offer snappy new answers to age-old religious questions.

“It makes a hell of a lot of sense, if you excuse my French,” said Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, following Siri’s election. “Siri will be the first 24/7 pope.”

But can any iPad-based pope be 100% reliable? Absolutely, assures Apple. As a gesture to the Vatican, Apple is delivering Pope Siri complete with a 10-year PopeCare plan.

popemobile

The Popemobile sports a new look for a new pope

Apple guarantees that Siri will think faster than previous popes, be less likely to start religious wars and have zero interest in altar boys.

“If this pope should falter for any reason,” Apple said in a press release, “it will be replaced free of charge.”

Will Siri be the last pope? Apple says that with regular hardware and software updates, there is no theoretical limit to the length of Pope Siri’s reign.

However, critics point out that with Apple’s slowing pace of innovation, it’s possible that we could end up with the first obsolete pope — which could spawn more competition and even more advanced popes.

A rumor out of South Korea indicates that a slimmer, faster pontiff is already in the works at Samsung.

  • Marucins

    Srogo :)

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  • http://biadesivo.altervista.org/ Thomas Boccaccia

    Sicuramente farebbe meno danni dell’originale.

  • paolo formentini

    LOL is there a versione for to sostitute Italian politician?

  • e550mercedes

    I hope whoever the next pope is, he reads this fun-filled post.

  • Misiek

    Made my day! :D

  • gctwnl

    Brilliant! Reduced my fears that you guys actually depended on the original RDF somehow.

    The increasing obsoleteness of Redmond these days is illustrated that Apple’s opposition these days is Korea in stories like these. (Lot of interesting material for satire there too, like the interesting story of how the Samsung guys (including Samsung’s CEO) were convicted of corruption but later came away with a slap on the wrist.

  • http://www.facebook.com/GeeDeezy Gary Dauphin

    Two funny, Ken!

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  • Chaz

    whats the old joke…does the “Pope poop in the woods?”
    or is it “is a bear catholic?”

  • addi125

    i hope so!

  • Z

    Very funny photos all three of them