Apple announces “pre-abused” iSore devices

Cupertino, CA — Apparently, selling shiny new devices isn’t enough for Apple. Now it’s muscling into the market for used devices — extremely used devices.

With iSore, Apple offers a new line of iPhones and iPads, “pre-abused” for your convenience: scratched, baked, soaked or even steamrolled.

According to research, 74% of iPhone owners damage their devices within the first 12 months of ownership. Given Apple’s inflated prices, psychological trauma may result.

iSore solves that problem. Now customers can get past that moment of pain before they even open the box.

How exactly does Apple abuse its iSore products? Some techniques are familiar, such as dropping it on a sidewalk or into a toilet. But Apple engineers don’t stop there.

“Your iSore will arrive having been victimized by blowtorch, washing machine, Mack truck, sky dive or over a hundred other damaging circumstances,” says Apple. “And new tortures will be added monthly.”

A special two-year AppleCare extension is available to all iSore customers for only $99. Should you accidentally polish or repair your iSore while covered, Apple will restore it to near-worthlessness at no charge.