Apple buys Yosemite Park to promote new OS X

ranger_cook

CEO Tim Cook, unveiling Apple’s plans for OS X Yosemite Park.

Yosemite National Park, CA — Apple isn’t just thinking different for OS X Yosemite. It’s thinking very, very big.

Parting with a bit of its loose change, the world-leading tech giant has acquired Yosemite Park from the U.S. National Park Service for $14.4 billion.

The fabled park, to be re-christened OS X Yosemite Park, will become the core of Apple’s ad campaign for the new OS X this fall — the first major effort from Apple’s new in-house ad agency.

But prepare yourself. This is not your father’s Yosemite.

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The OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will require the destruction of only 12,480 trees.

“We think the bones of Yosemite Park are terrific,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at today’s press briefing. “But it’s an old park — old trees, old trails, old waterfalls. We can do better.”

First on Cook’s to-do list: raze the park’s famed Ahwahnee Hotel. In its place, Apple plans a 1,200-room luxury hotel modeled after the “spaceship” headquarters now being built in Cupertino.

Hermetically sealed, the new OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will insulate visitors from the annoying sounds and smells of nature on the other side of the wall. In doing so, it will allow them to focus on the real reason for their visit — enjoying the new OS X Yosemite experience on their Macs.

Though construction of the new hotel will significantly reduce the park’s greenery, the overall ecological impact will be positive. With a new technology called iPhotosynthesis, Apple engineers will be able to boost oxygen production in remaining trees up to 26%.

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Hikers can refresh themselves with the latest Apple products at the Half Dome Apple Store.

Hiking will still be a big part of the OS X Yosemite experience — but getting lost will no longer be an option. Most of the park’s 800 miles of hiking trails are to be closed, with a single Apple-designed trail leading directly to the new Apple Store perched atop Half Dome. Retail research indicates that customers are more willing to open their wallets at higher altitudes.

Hikers who can’t make it to the top will also reap the benefits of the new structure. A laser projection on Half Dome will display the current weather, time and AAPL stock price in 64-inch text.

National Park Service rangers will become a thing of the past. Over 1,000 Genius Rangers will patrol the park, offering One-to-One training in OS X Yosemite installation and black bear defense techniques.

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iPhone losing power too often? Apple is teaching old trees new tricks.

And, of course, Apple is seriously sweating the details. A whopping 33% of Yosemite’s redwoods are being outfitted with power plugs and USB ports.

“We like to think of it as Nature 2.0,” said Cook.

Best of all, Apple is making it easy for visitors to get right to the good stuff. Hourly iCopters will shuttle visitors between the hotel and the outside world, bypassing the monotony of trees, mountains and streams.

A 5-night vacation in OS X Yosemite Park will start at $4,999 for a family of four. This includes free earplugs to help deal with the sonic assault of 24/7 iCopter traffic.

21 Comments

  1. Parth Patel |

    Nice one

  2. Tom |

    Perfect

  3. mrylander |

    what apple doesn’t realize is that campers wish to smell the trees and hear the woodpeckers NOT play on their iPads and iPhones!!! Wake up mister cook! Yosemite is a national treasure. I have once stayed in the Awawnie motel (1967) in yosemite and it DOES NOT need to be torn down.

    • K |

      Really… 🙂

    • Neil Banerjee |

      what mrylander doesn’t realize is that scoopertino wishes to make spoof articles and make you laugh, NOT believe it’s true!!! Wake up mrylander! Scoopertino is an internet treasure. I have read most of the articles and it DOES NOT need to be believed.

    • gctwnl |

      These kinds of replies make me wonder. Either people do not get it or they trying to counter-fabricate, acting if they fall for it. It is either the dumbest reply ever or an attempt at being as funny as Scoopertino.

      “All the replies that are fit to fabricate?” People can’t be that dumb, can they?

  4. RB |

    Crazy idea

  5. KA |

    Nature 2.0 – it’s got to be better (as long as they get rid of the bugs).

    • puppet |

      Literally and not figuratively LOL

  6. orcasislandtv |

    fun!

  7. Pingback: Apple buys Yosemite Park to promote new OS X | b4computers blog

  8. boredumb |

    Apple has shown an unfortunate willingness of late to abandon ‘legacy’ trappings, but in this case, I believe a compromise is in order, so I am proposing that Apple consider, instead of demolishing the Ahwahnee Hotel, that they incorporate it into the new structure, both renaming and reimagining it as “The Appwahnee Store”.

  9. Pingback: Apple rachète le Parc national de Yosemite pour plus de 14 milliards de dollars | Zlink

  10. Pingback: Scoopertino: Apple kupuje Yosemitský park za 14,4 miliardy dolarů

  11. Pingback: Apple buys Yosemite Park to promote new OS X - b4computers

  12. Pingback: Felvásárolja az Apple a Yosemite Nemzeti Parkot | Szifon.com

  13. Bocaj |

    Scared for a sec 🙂

  14. MDBomb |

    Don’t listen to these nay sayers mrylander. They are just jellous of your fabulous insight and ability to see the true story here. I don’t have your gifted aptitude, so I’ll unfourtionatly have to continue to see it as a funny spoof article, but I wouldn’t let that hinder your crusade. Carry on my friend! Carry on…

  15. Ilovenature |

    POWER PLUGS IN THE TREES?! THEY MAKE THIS SOUND LIKE ITS ALL FOR A GOOD PURPOSE! AND, THE ONLY TRAIL LEADS TO AN APPLE STORE?! I FORESEE THIS THING FALLING ON ITS FACE WHEN THEY REALIZE CAMPERS WANT TO CAMP, NOT BUY YOUR STUFF.

    SORRY I’M STUCK IN CAPS-LOCK 😛

  16. sdaf |

    Really not that funny

  17. Bobbi Lee Williams |

    Scoopertino, stand up for your readers who believe your story! It shows that satire-wise, you’re doing it right! Remember that when Jonathan Swift published “A Modest Proposal” he didn’t hide behind disclaimers. The fact that large numbers of people were horrified and believed he was serious about the Irish poor selling their children to the rich as a table delicacy simply underlined the fact that the rich are ravenous feeders on the people–it was believed because it was believable, and because he expressed it so eloquently! People were outraged and rightly so. The way that Corporations devour our lives, our environment and our hopes and dreams is real, and inroads on our national and state parks and wilderness areas are constantly being made, even as we speak. This article is NOT that far from reality. If it were, it would not even be relevant.

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