Apple extends free Bumper offer to everyone on earth

Cupertino, CA — Buoyed by the upbeat response to its decision to give free Bumpers to iPhone purchasers, Apple is seriously expanding the scope of the initiative.

Beginning today, free Bumpers will be shipped to every man, woman and child on earth.

“We love our customers,” said CEO Steve Jobs — repeatedly — at Friday’s press conference. “But you know what? There are a lot of people to love on this planet, and we intend to love every one of them.”

It’s hard to argue with the logic. Even in faraway lands with no wireless service, Apple is getting rave reviews. Some report that the free Bumper improves the performance of TV antennas, while others swear it keeps razor blades sharp and wards off evil spirits.

Distributing Bumpers worldwide does present a logistical challenge, but Apple is refocusing its resources to tackle the job.

People in diverse cultures are discovering new uses for the Bumper (click to enlarge)

“The word has come down from Steve,” said an Apple distribution manager. “iPad can wait. Mac can wait. It’s all about the Bumpers.”

BumperLift 2010 has already begun. At press time, hundreds of palets were reported unloaded in 16 airports, from London’s Heathrow to Ndjamena Airport in Chad. Using equipment leased from Red Cross, helicopter airdrops are being made to more remote areas.

Apple executives are rejoicing that the tide has turned, and even bigger plans are being drawn up for 2012. We may yet see a $199 Bumper that ships with a free iPhone.

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