Apple fesses up: Jobs emails not coming from Jobs

Cupertino, CA — With so many Steve Jobs emails making the rounds on the Internet this year, many wonder how the world’s busiest CEO finds the time. The short answer: he doesn’t.

Caught in the act last week, Apple was forced to admit that all customer and developer emails from Steve are actually written by “Steve mini” — and have been since October 2008.

The truth came to light at a recent meeting between Steve Jobs and Disney. As Steve spoke to the group, one of the Disney people sent him an email — and received his response before he finished speaking.

Steve not only confessed, he invited Steve mini to join the group for after-meeting refreshments.

“He’s utterly charming,” says Disney staffer Cynthia Borenstetter of the littler Steve. “He has this way of cutting you off and putting you on the defensive — you just want to hug him.”

Having written Steve Jobs’ emails for almost two years now, Steve mini is in certain ways a better Steve than Steve. He displays just the right amount of emotion, generously sprinkles his arrogance, and knows exactly when to snap. After averaging over 20 words per email in the early going, Steve mini’s current emails are down to 6.2 words. “Six is the sweet spot,” according to our Apple source.

Were it not for his drinking habits, Steve mini would have an even more stellar record. It was during the iPhone 4 launch party that he penned his now legendary “Just avoid holding it that way” email — which was actually a reference to the bottle of Merlot his tipsy date seemed unable to pour.

Fortunately, by that time Steve mini had already won Steve’s trust with several obscene and inflammatory emails to the CEOs of Google and Adobe.

Indications are that Steve mini is being groomed to take on more important duties, such as firing key executives. Only last week, Steve mini delivered the bad news to Mark Papermaster, the iPhone 4 executive run out of town as the result of Antennagate.

“He never saw it coming,” smirks mini, “until he looked down.”


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