Apple fires Phil Schiller, replaces him with Siri

Unlike Schiller, Siri easily fits in Cook's pocket

Cupertino, CA — Bad news and good news for Apple’s Phil Schiller: you’re fired, but your iPhone 4S can stay.

CEO Tim Cook has named Siri, iPhone’s new intelligent assistant, to the position of Senior VP of Worldwide Product Marketing, effective immediately.

Praise for Siri’s intelligence has been pouring in since her debut as part of iPhone 4S, but apparently she wasn’t happy being an assistant.

Siri is an upgrade from Schiller in several ways. She never sleeps, nor does she require health insurance. (Cook did pony up for two years of AppleCare.) Unlike Schiller, who took up valuable office space, Siri lives in a drawer. Though our source reports that she’s already asked for a larger drawer.

Siri: caught in action at a recent executive meeting

Most important, Siri is proving herself a whiz in marketing matters. During her first day on the job, she’s killed one ad campaign, written one of her own, reworked the 2012 media budget and allocated $48 million to fund the creation of a male counterpart of slightly lesser intelligence.

Reached for comment, Siri would only say, “I am a humble intelligent assistant — with a boatload of stock options.”

Other Apple executives, while publicly applauding the decision to promote Siri, seem worried about their own job security. Some have been heard sucking up excessively to their iPhones in public.

After elevating Siri, even Tim Cook seems to be looking over his shoulder. At the start of the most recent executive meeting, Cook asked Siri if her seat was okay. Siri’s reply: “I’d be even more comfortable in your chair, Tim.”


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