Apple Kool-Aid to go into mass distribution

Cupertino, CA — Apple-haters standing between Apple and world domination? Not for long.

Determined to convert even the nastiest naysayers, Apple today begins shipping Apple Kool-Aid. Previously available only to employees and fanboys, now everyone can drink the Kool-Aid — and enjoy the calming effect of a deep, religious love for all things Apple.

Jointly developed by Apple and Kraft Foods, Apple Kool-Aid releases a chemical that disrupts synapse activity in the cerebral cortex — in effect, creating a biological distortion field. Just four ounces of the product produces docile, easily-led subjects within four minutes of ingestion.

In a Kool-Aid test market in the Pacific Northwest, Apple received one order for 16,000 iPhones

Apple Kool-Aid was quickly rejected by the FDA, which normally frowns upon products that toy with our brains. However, they reversed their ruling just as quickly after drinking the juice themselves.

In test markets, Apple Store sales have increased as much as 40%, while PCs and Android phones have been found abandoned in the streets.

However, the new product does not come without risk. The warning label reads:

Side-effects of Apple Kool-Aid include strained friendships and loss of appetite for critical thinking. Seek immediate medical attention if you experience Apple Store shopping sprees lasting four hours or more.

60 Comments

  1. Tallest Skil |

    Comes in green. Purple to launch later at an unspecified date.

  2. Patrick |

    I’d love to drink some, it looks cool, refreshing, and delicious. But it’s not compatible with my 3.9 oz. Microsoft cup.

  3. Lee |

    LOL! One of your best yet. Can’t wait for the people with a sense of humour bypass to respond to this one. 🙂

  4. nicotroia |

    come in red, urnge, green, blue and turkwise

    • BANG725 |

       *orange *turquoise

  5. LemonBaby |

    How can they think they can even compeat in the drink mix market??? There is sooo many bigger players out there. Just another stupid Apple product thats gonna end up in the dumster. I dont care what color they make it. There so arragant it makes me puke.

    • milky way |

      lol

    • Guest |

      You misspelled a word in every sentence. Stay in school.

    • Joe |

      Your an iddiot, of course this is going to suckseed, it’s from Jobs!  And the white will be better!

      • BANG725 |

         *idiot* I guess you spelled it ‘suckseed’ instead of succeed on purpose.

    • iName |

      You’re missing the “b” in dumbster

  6. ravedog |

    It’s just amazing how every single article on this website has some idiot commenting as if it were a real article. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND PARODY? Same group of morons that think The Onion is real as well. YEAH, I’m looking at you LemonBaby.

    • Dude |

      IT IS REAL! I work for Verizon and I’ve seen the email. It launches with the white 4G Vzw iPhone later this week.

    • John |

      I think this is more satire than parody.  *eyeroll*

    • Some Dude |

      I’m pretty sure most of the people who are commenting as if it was real are being sarcastic. It’s ironic that you’re taking them seriously.

  7. ravedog |

    PS – Do you not have spell check in your browser?

  8. Poopoo |

    Wow, that looks tasty… But since I’m still using Windows here, I might get some upset stomach, you see…
    I heard some of its ingredients are reported to cause fever and rashes whenever consumed by Flash users, hmm.. Maybe I should change my diet..

  9. LucaV |

    I don’t know if I have more fun reading the news or reading the comment of the idiot which didn’t understand it was a joke…. and there’s always one at least!!
    Anyway, I’ll go with the green one!

  10. up0 |

    Scoopertino is the TheOnion of apple news.

    • David |

      I wonder who is the TheThe of Apple music…

      • Sean Mournighan |

        I’m pretty sure you’re my father.

  11. Emma |

    @ravedog – I know right, arrangant. We don’t even need websites like this, real humour is all around us.

    (I’m not American so I spell humor, homour. It’s not a typo. It’s right!!!!!)

    • Denzel |

      “homour” is right?

      • FRiNKEL |

        For his country’s spelling, it’s right. It’s wrong in America though.

        • Guest? |

          Except that it’s humour, not homour.

          • Ronald McKenzie |

            Tell that to Mrs. Simpson.

      • UK girl |

        Yes it is.

  12. Brent Sordyl |

    Is this available in the Mac App Store yet?

  13. Ben |

    lol compare the side effects warning to that of Viagra. 😛

  14. Anonymous |

    mine…POISONED…needs upgrade…SOON!

  15. Charles |

    I’m waiting for the rumored white Kool-Aid.

    • Cooper Tino |

      you mean sugar?

  16. Angus Cumberlidge |

    You would have thought it could start up in less than 4 minutes that’s actually quite disappointing

  17. Guest |

    Looks like Steve Jobs finally found a way to share his acid experiences with everyone. 😉

  18. Validemail |

    lame as eff

  19. Billy Chin |

    What happens when you mix Apple Water with Apple Kool-Aid?

    • BANG725 |

       SPRiTE

    • James Barnhill |

      It’s assumed that’s what you’ll be doing.

      At least, after your first glass of Kool-Aid.

  20. All hail the Apple |

    Do I need to use the iWater with the Apple Kool-Aid? The faucet didn’t work, and the Apple Kool-Aid immediately threw itself down the drain when they came in contact with each other.

  21. guest |

    oh wow lol

  22. Anonymous |

    I think i’ll hold off till 2.0. supposed to be faster have last longer

  23. Techy8789 |

    Kool-Aid already exists, and it has for years.  Plus, what does it have to do with Apple?

    • Fuckabetch |

      You don’t get it, do you?

  24. Guilherme Trindade |

    É KISUCO MANO!

  25. Gordo |

    How bout doing a spoof on the iPad as a “feminine hygiene” product!!!
    For those “heavy flow” days!
    You guys could do a great job!

  26. Smartypants |

    Where can i buy this???????? Cmon tell me i can’t find it ANYWHERE

  27. SirThomas |

    Governments have being trying to develop this stuff, since the begging of time.

    • BANG725 |

      The begging of time, or beginning of time?

  28. Anonymous |

    I think four hours is a little too long, but this juice is so good… Must buy iDevices!

  29. Kanra |

    I’d buy some of this Kool-Aid if I wasn’t Apple-intolerant. Oh well. Plus, something seems off about the drink mix pouches in the pictures. They look so nutritious.

  30. Francisco Flores |

    OH NO! I need an iStomach for that, and I need to upgrade my iBilis for that… 🙁 I’m poor.

  31. Apple |

    this can be orded from the app store express

  32. Neil Banerjee |

    How come Bill gates is selling apple stuff?

    • Neil |

      oh i get it ! hahahahaha!

    • Ronald McKenzie |

      Poor Bill. He started out with trying a little sip of Apple Kool-Aid because of that Zune thing. It wasn’t until he was forced to do the Shoe store commercials that he really started hitting it hard. He favors “white” which he code-named “milk” and takes via an IV drip at bedtime.

  33. OR PICK A NAME |

    I I I I I IIII

  34. free_2_the_dom |

    Will it be ok for me to mix the purple and green kool-aid? Or will I be needing an Apple Kool Aid mixing adapter of sorts??? Please respond asap, im getting mine later today, cant wait! *excited face*

  35. Pingback: Drinking Apple Kool-Aid? How to freeze-fix your Mac - WhoToKnow

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