Apple launches HairPort Extreme, turns heads into hotspots

Cupertino, CA — Heads up: you might want to cancel that next haircut appointment.

Today Apple launched HairPort Extreme, a technology-enhanced personal hygiene product that turns your hair into a personal WiFi zone.

Sold in an aluminized aerosol cannister, HairPort Extreme is applied like any hairspray — but that’s where the similarity ends. Each particle contains Apple’s new HairNet™ technology, which automatically bonds with adjoining particles to create an Internet connection lasting up to 24 hours.

“HairPort Extreme will change the way you connect to the world,” says Apple’s press release. “The more hair you have, the stronger your connection.”

Along with HairPort Extreme, Apple is releasing a line of optional accessories designed to enhance reception.

PowerTip attachments provide the precise control needed to spray eyebrows, beards and mutton chops. At the urging of the follicly-challenged Jony Ive, Apple will also offer a line of HairPort-compatible wigs in a range of styles, including afro, beehive and comb-over.

But that’s not all. Coming soon: HairPort Express. These 3-ounce containers hold just enough HairPort to apply to small children or pets, allowing you to turn them into HairNet extenders on the fly.

Industry analyst Jacquelyn Howard expects an ecosystem to grow around the new HairPort technology. “By early 2012, HairPort capabilities will be extended to places Apple would rather not go, including pubic hair and merkins.”


  1. Joe |

    Darn. What about us bald people? We get left out again????

    • Ye Htut Lwin |

      Take that Ballmer !!! 😀

    • Anonymous |

      Nope… I just saw an announcement of the iRug cloud based connection device.

  2. Anonymous |

    @Joe: No problem: you can get your HairPort-compatible wig in any style.

  3. Wig man |

    Will it work on wigs as well?

  4. Guest |

    This would have been perfect in the 70s…

  5. Anonymous |

    Time machine wet wipes? A backup in just a swipe?

  6. Juli 101 |

    Is this 4 real??? Lmfao

  7. Smartypants |

    I can’t find this on apples website and i ask the guy in the apple store and he said that he doesn’t know about this HELP!!!

    • Amal |

      these are fake apple products

    • bill gates |


    • sokito |

      STUPID!! i’m with bill gates here

    • NaNa Weird |

      THIS IS FAKE…. -.- You don’t even know what you are reading? Congratulations.

    • Freddy |

      You call yourself smartypants but you are an idiot

  8. Steliinbirch |

    Is there also a lotion?

  9. How come |

    where’s the source of signal??

  10. Claro Costa Rica |

    accesories? any?

  11. Guest |

    Where can i buy these help

    • George |

      This is fake! How many people are going to ask that?

  12. Guest |

    plz someone tell me where can i buy these?!?!!

    • Jack Cohen |

      This is a fake news site! This doesn’t really exist. Stupid!

  13. Anonymous |

    Doesn’t it get frizz?

  14. Tommy Zhang |

    LOL “hairport extreme…” if you know what I mean….. :D:D

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