Apple rethinks stock split, goes for more gusto

stock splitCupertino — Take that, Wall Street! Apple’s Board just rescinded its proposed 7:1 stock split, replacing it with something a bit more dramatic.

How does 10,000:1 sound?

Starting on June 7, a single share of AAPL will decrease in price from its 4/24/14 closing price of $594 to a little more than a nickel.

Why the sudden turnaround?

CEO Tim Cook says it’s all about making Apple stock more affordable to mainstream investors.

“If the goal is to make AAPL more affordable, why dork around? Let’s get on with it,” says Cook in an Apple press release.

According to sources, Cook became obsessed with penny stocks after he read an article about penny stock millionaires on a site called How Life Works. It’s a site he’s relied on in the past for fashion and health tips.

“Imagine being able to buy 1,000 shares of AAP for $59,” says Cook. “When the stock hits $700 again, that would be worth $700,000.”

“True,” said one stock market analyst. “And when the stock gets back to $700, we’ll be vacationing on Mars via teleportation.”

Brushing aside the doubters, a spokesman for Cook said “Criticism of Apple is nothing new. And by the way — do you know the stock symbol for that teleportation outfit?”


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