North Pole, Arctic Circle — Apple stunned competitors today by announcing an exclusive three-year deal with Claus Corp., including its sub-brands Santa Claus™ and Kris Kringle.™
Under the terms of this agreement, Santa Claus is required to deliver only Apple-branded products to those wishing for music players, smartphones, laptops and tablets.
Blame it all on the bad economy. With more gifts to build, diminished resources and escalating demands from the Elf Union, Claus Corp. was under pressure to find a cash-rich partner.
Unfortunately, there was a distinct lack of “jolly” around the negotiating table. According to sources, Steve Jobs quickly became frustrated by Santa’s lack of business savvy and verbally brutalized him with comments like, “You wouldn’t last a minute in the real world,” “You guys are just a mediocre distribution network,” and “with the crap you ship, it’s obvious you don’t have any taste.”
“I don’t know what Santa was thinking, going up against a powerhouse like Steve Jobs by himself,” said an eyewitness. “He was practically in tears when it was over. He looked like he’d just lost his favorite reindeer.”
Microsoft and Google, furious after being banished from Santa’s sack, immediately appealed to the Department of Justice citing monopolistic practices. The DOJ declined to intervene, claiming it has no jurisdiction over the North Pole.
Steve Ballmer, groveling before Santa, did manage to get one small concession. Children originally slated to receive a lump of coal in their stockings will now find a Zune instead.
BULLETIN: Steve Jobs has sent out an internal memo forbidding all Apple employees from doing anything laughable until the New Year. With nothing amusing to report, Scoopertino’s offices will be closed until Apple gets funny again on January 3rd. Happy Holidays to all!