Apple Stores to be rebranded as “Church of Apple”

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

On May 1st, 2011, all 300+ Apple Stores will officially be closed. On May 2nd, they will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains acting CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)

The iBook of JobsCupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

56 Comments

  1. uncachable |

    Best. Religion. Ever.

  2. Marco Venturini |

    I remember it was Microsoft that invented the concept, with their “Plug and Pray”.

  3. Neena @ Mac Software Tutorials |

    Too funny! It really does look like we are headed in this direction. And if it only costs $99 to fix Windows problems – then I’m in!

  4. Gman |

    i ave to say i don’t like tis vone

    • The Grammar Police |

      i ave to say you can’t spell

  5. Loco deSane |

    OMG! (or is it OMS now?) I couldn’t stop laughing!

    Great job(s)!

    😉

  6. Julia Altermann |

    Just wanted to let you guys know that I translated your text into German and posted it on my blog. I don’t intend any copyright infringement, so if it isn’t ok for you, let me know and I’ll take it down. But I wanted to share it with my fellow Germans who are not good enough with English to get the humor. 🙂
    Thanks for your fantastic work, keep it up!
    http://www.appforthat.de/2011/news/apple-stores-erstehen-auf-als-die-kirche-des-apfels

  7. Fanatic cultist |

    Will they be serving kool-aid as well? If so I’m there!

    • SugarJesus |

      AFAIK, they are going to be offering KOOL-AID baby baptisms. You will even be able to choose your own flavor, even though Jobs has set grape as the default font beverage. It is also hotly rumored that several Apple Churches in Hawaii will be hosting Tropical Fruit Punch-flavored baptisms (not available in the continental US). Pregnant moms – get your plane tickets!!

  8. Adam H_ |

    Should be a temple because jobs is Buddhist

  9. Ramon |

    So far nobody that is taking this seriously, what’s wrong with you people?

  10. Ramon |

    iPad 1 on his hand? Why not iPad 2?

    • god_scholar |

      old testament, jack.

  11. Ramon |

    iPad 1 on his hand? Why not iPad 2?

  12. KansBradJMJ |

    All you ignorant blasphemers who keep making fun of God are going to BURN IN HELL!!! SINNERS!!!!! It’s all a big joke to you, isn’t it?? There is a reason Christ Our Lord saved us and you will never know what it is until you ROT ETERNALLY IN DAMNATION FIRE WITH YOUR PHONES AND YOUR USB AND SUCH. God will have the last laugh on all you arrogant heathens. Yeah I bet there are phones in HELL, but there isn’t any power and you can’t have your Verizon or services there you stupid !%##%#%#%@#. Judgment Day Cometh! You have been warned. Jesus Is Lord.

    • The? |

      Are you from Redmond Washington?

      • Mysterion |

        ha!

    • Luke Crowe |

      You really need to calm down and think before you go on a nearly incoherent rant about the article being blasphemous. It’s SATIRE.

      • RenSinSin |

        They don’t speak satire at the Pearly Gates, Luke. Good luck with that…

      • UberCool |

        Maybe it’s SARTRE, and by being denied entry into Heaven, we will find God through his absence, and then be admitted. Totally ironic! I think God used to be on iTunes, but was too mainstream.

      • Thefergusong |

        Luke, I think the first comment was ALSO SATIRE. It’s so parodic of berserk so-called “Lord Lovers”, I’m surprised none of you, who are well-versed with the tone of satire, called it out. Very funny first comment. The rest of the comments, not so.

    • Live&LetLive |

      Why is it that the Lord Lovers are the most un-christian of us all. This ranter would kill us all if he had the chance. He just confirms that religion is root of all evil. I don’t care who or what people believe in – just keep it to themselves and don’t try to convert us – or force us to believe.

      • Largec |

        this is why consumers love apple as it provides a highly liberal experience in both it’s stores and it’s devices, however exempting it’s developers for the sake of quality assurance 

      • iGuest |

        You just got obviously iTrolled.

        Common guys.. seriously.

    • Hhhhhhhhhhh |

      Wow… just wow.
      I feel sorry that you have been brainwashed so badly…
      May the pink unicorn bless your soul…

      • Keaton Webb |

        pink unicorn ehh? well I guess God can take any shape He chooses…

    • benpark |

      you’re giving us Christians a bad name, you can’t approach something like this with a rant an condemn people to hell, and it might be offensive to us, but we have to accept it, no one wants to believe in a faith where people like you are judging to quickly- no hate, but love

      • BazookaJoe |

        Everyone loves religion – especially Mormonism. Mormons invented the Tater Tot.

    • simeon latham |

      “do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster as well butt head” -Miss garrison, south park 2006

    • DQfreak |

      You are a really sad person

    • Guest |

      successful trol is successful

      • Jenny |

        makes me feel like it’s the end of the world

        • Majestifix |

          Good thing it didn’t happen over the weekend…

    • Jonathan Levin |

      God doesnt exist idiot

    • Chris |

      There is approximately 1000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 planets in the universe, if there was a god, do you really think he would care about you? Or the earth for that matter.

      • Randomparanoid |

        The scientists faked those other planets. We are the only planet.

    • Mrblobby2105 |

      CALM DOWN. Its just a joke. I’m Christian myself, but I’m not really offended.

    • Anonymous |

      Fortunately God is more enlightened and tolerant than you. I don’t think he takes himself so seriously, so why do you?
      It’s more likely you who will burn.

    • Aike |

      I think this comment is a bigger joke than the article. Couldn’t stop laughing!!
      Too Funny!! 😀

    • Dsfajdnkmol |

      fuck the god and FAPple bitch

    • Drizzi |

      Jesus said, “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” WE don’t blame Jesus, we just don’t want his name used in vain by hateful, prejudice, people who don’t understand the teachings or meaning of Jesus Christ, son of God. Jesus healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, you know, took care of those who couldn’t take care of themselves. He DIDN’T rob the poor to give to the rich, he didn’t take social safety nets away from the people. And he had to give his life for your/our sins. Those who take advantage of the fact that Jesus died for our sins are the real sinners. You are being fooled. Tax and spend Democrats at least make sure that the needy are taken care of…..what is your party doing besides eliminating jobs and services for those in need only to pander to billionaires who promise you riches if you drink their Koolaid? C’mon my friend, wake up and steer your party in the direction of God, all loving and caring.  Let’s at least level the playing field so we all have equal footing. Peace.

    • A Concerned Commenter |

      Sir, I understand that your passion for the Lord, but if anything, this article is actually making fun of how people are making a god of Apple. I think this is a very well written, tongue-in-cheek article of the phenomenon and is in no way trying to blaspheme God or make fun of Christianity. But sir, while you are jealous of the name of God, you are not representing Him by flying off the handle. Did Jesus act this way when confronted by His accusers? No. He judged with righteous judgment and spoke righteously, choosing His words carefully as to have the best impact possible. Yes, at times He did speak with righteous indignation and directly confronted certain people, but not in the way you’ve done. What you have written is offensive and misrepresents God to the extreme. Please, sir, while I hope you had the best of intentions, this does nothing to promote the cause of Christ; it only hinders it.

  13. Wes |

    The First Commandment “Thou shall have no gods before me”
    The Second Commandment “You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I The Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate Me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love Me and keep My Commandments.” (Exodus 20:4-6 RSV)

    You shall not worship Jobs and his objects. He will lead you to the eternal walled garden of hell, where all the iSheep shall be blinded with ignorance and spend the days eating from the Genitcally Modified pastures and repeating phrases like “It just works” (correctly translated to: it works, just.)

    There is One God, it’s not Steve.

    • The? |

      Correction, it is not Steve Ballmer

  14. The? |

    Religion…

    Think Diiferent

    • Artifactual |

      It’s too bad Apple doesn’t have a Willy Wonka-esque factory with a magical Kool-Aid river. That would actually explain a lot.

  15. Nick |

    LIKE THIS MESSAGE

  16. Nick |

    LIKE THIS MESSAGE

  17. Keaton Webb |

    I believe this is a bit poor. Steve Jobs is incredibly ~far~ from perfect so why label him as Jesus? Rather stupid to say the least. Sorry Scoopertino, not with you on this one.

    And all of you “Christians” can you please stop saying everyone’s going to hell? A bit much, don’t you think?

  18. botanist |

    People, get a life and a laugh! this is brilliant!

  19. Apple hater |

    @KansBradJMJ, I’m sure God and Jesus Christ appreciate a joke in their general direction every now and then, you can still be religious and have fun dude. After all, you cant make a good joke without offending someone

  20. Celulares Guatemala |

    I bet god will write a very severe comment about this article from his ipad3

  21. Mee |

    i think there are really guys who have religious feelings about apple. dont undrestand this. i mean im a fan, but apple is nothing but a company. 

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  24. Neil Banerjee |

    You don’t need a church to worship apple.

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